TORONTO, ON— Last Friday evening, local couple Sam and Annabeth Goldstein were found dead in their Annex apartment amidst dozens of take-out menus. Cause of death for both of the young artists was reportedly starvation, despite literal scores of dining options in the area.

Initial reports from Toronto Police indicate that Sam had previously searched Google for the top-rated restaurants within a ten-block radius without ever making a reservation over the phone or via OpenTable. Even cursory glances at Annabeth’s laptop revealed the couple’s frustration, perhaps best underlined by the seventeen BlogTO listicles in her bookmarks.

“Their UberEats app had been left open for several days without an order being made,” revealed Constable Jorge Gomez, visibly distraught at the unavoidable loss of life. “Text messages revealed that the whole ordeal was set in motion when Annabeth responded that she was fine with whatever Sam wanted for dinner after Sam had previously stated that it was Annabeth’s turn to pick despite the fact that it was actually Sam’s turn to pick because Sam couldn’t decide what to eat the week before.”