EMIRATES STADIUM, LONDON – 23-year-old information technology specialist and self-proclaimed “footy superfan or whatever” Morris Mawss appeared out of place amidst the scenes of Saturday’s North London derby.
“Yeaaaaaah,” pathetically cried the man-child, eliciting a stare amidst the boos from Gunners fans following a goal by Spurs’ and England striker Harry Kane.
Things only got worse for him as the match went on. Mawss was reportedly unfamiliar with the common stadium chant “We’re Fucking Shit,” reportedly screaming a more age-appropriate version of the age-old classic. Following a foul on fleet-footed forward Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang by Jan Vertonghen, the agitated employee of Rennum Industries spilled his milk while declaring that the Belgian centre-half was “being quite rude.”
“That sure was a cracking screamer of a belter on the volley, that sure was,” declared Mawss after substitute Alexandre Lacazette headed the ball into his own net during stoppage time. “Bloody good match-tie that was, what a derby!”
When prompted for a response to questions about his obvious misunderstanding of football, Mawss dispelled any and all rumours, asking, “did you see that ludicrous display last night? Thing about Arsenal is they always try to walk it in!”