TORONTO —

A recent study by Dr. Fred N. Slip of the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, in conjunction with researchers at Mount Sinai Hospital, has found that depression is at an all-time low. The results of the study show a drop from 30% to 10% over the past 5 years, with a continued downward trend expected for the next decade. Slip concludes that, as the most depressing mental illness, even depression is depressed now.

Over the course of the study, depression was found to be exhibiting more of the classic symptoms, including increased fatigue, a decrease in the ability to concentrate, as well as increased alcoholism. Depression also began reading the works of Friedrich Nietzsche and Sylvia Plath during this time, reading the news and crying, and started to doubt whether, in the end, it was really all worth it after all.

Researchers also noted that previously easy tasks had now become difficult to complete, but this was dismissed, as it was felt that the proximity of depression to the University of Toronto may have been skewing the results of the tests.

The study has, however, been met with a considerable degree of controversy, especially in the academic community. Many have claimed that they were just doing this for attention, and that depression should just try being happier. There have also been accusations that depression should stop complaining, because other people have it far worse, so there’s no reason to be depressed., and that it is really just being lazy, otherwise it would stop being so depressed all the time. One novel argument against depression’s diagnoses is that it does not look depressed, which is a classic indicator of mood.

While researchers are unsure why depression develops, there are many hypotheses as to the cause. It is important to note that those who suffer from a lack of vitamin D and sunlight are at greater risk for depression. As such, university students in particular are recommended to actually go outside once in a while, and to get all the D they can, as often as possible. This is not a permanent solution however, and more research must be done into depression’s condition.

“Let’s face it,” said Slip, “depression is probably an University of Toronto student.”