TORONTO – A stunning revelation out of Sotheby’s Canada; auctioneers are in fact singing Smash Mouth’s “All-Star” at a pace of 208 bpm instead of whatever-the-fuck we thought they were saying. This was discovered by a local 22-year-old who drunkenly stumbled into the once-famed auction house late Friday night.
“Well, somebody once told me,” said now-sober U of T student Brandi-with-a-heart-over-the-‘i’, “that this was once a popular place for Toronto’s upper class to purchase antiques and artisanal wares in a fun, competitive atmosphere. Now it’s a shit-show.”
“Welltheyearsstartcomingandtheydon’tstopcomingfedtotherulesandIhitthegroundrunningdidn’tmakesensenotoliveforfunyourbraingetssmartbutyourheadgetsdumbsomuchtodo,somuchtoseesowhat’swrongwithtakingthebacktreets?you’llneverknowifyoudon’tgoyou’llnevershineifyoudon’tglow,” mumbled Carson Chadworth of Sotheby’s when pressed for a goddamn answer to the question of whether he is, in fact, taking his job seriously.
This comes on the back of another shocking piece of news uncovered by these Toike journalists: people, in fact, still go to auction houses. Bernard Smugsworth of Waddington’s in Toronto was appalled when faced with statistics in regards to dwindling auction house attendance and income.
“It’sacoolplaceandtheysayitgetscolderyou’rebundledupnowwait’tilyougetolderbutthemeteormenbegtodifferjudgingbytheholeinthesatellitepicturetheiceweskateisgettingprettythinthewater’sgettingwarmsoyoumightaswellswimmyworld’sonfire.howaboutyours?that’sthewayIlikeitandI’llnevergetbored,” said the fool who sings the mildly popular 1999 classic for a living.
Although auctions are exponentially decreasing in popularity, some young folk are – no, seriously – turning to work as auctioneers in an attempt to craft a career for themselves. Stewart Little III, a 27-year-old from his “mother’s basement apartment” with a passion for rapid, arrhythmic speech with erratic intonation, is just one of a number of Toronto youths making this poor life choice.
“I mean, all I had to do was memorise the lyrics to that song from Shrek and, well, look at that! Twenty bucks in the bank, once a week.”
At the time of writing, these writers were last seen regretting every decision they ever made.