We’ve all been there at some point in our lives: you go to Toike someone, get a bit too enthusiastic, and find yourself charged with assault because you were “too aggressive”.

Do not fret, dear reader, if this sounds like a problem of yours, I have got just the tutorial for you. All you have to do is use these four easy tips next time you want to get your Toike on, and you’ll find yourself steering clear of any legal repercussions.

1. Read the entire Toike out loud to them first.

Who doesn’t like getting read to? Getting read to by a stranger in the Pit? Even better! After you woo them with your ability to read out loud on command, they’ll be so entranced that they won’t even feel the pain when you enthusiastically smush the literary gold that is the Toike Oike into their face.

2. Use 10 Toikes instead of 1.

Ok, hear me out. There is not a single person in existence who would argue with the fact that the force from the person’s hand behind the Toike is the cause of the Toiking pain. When one applies some simple Quantum-thermal-relativistic-heated-charged-frictional-inertial-mitochondrial-physics analysis (don’t look that up), it can be proven by observation that taking 10 Toikes and throwing them at the person’s face will make it so they barely feel a thing, but still end up properly Toiked.

3. Ask for the person’s persimmon.

You know what a person literally cannot do without their persimmon? Throw it at you. You know what that means? They can’t defend themself against your Toiking. Wait, shit hold on… okay, no, scratch this one. It doesn’t help you at all! Okay, moving on.

4. Virtually Toike them!

This tip is definitely the easiest of them all. First, simply head over to porn.skule.ca and find the PDF version of the Toike issue you wish to use. Next, take a sharp object of some sort and, very not carefully, cut open your computer screen (note: make sure you’re on the Toiking page!). Now, collect the liquid crystals from the screen into some sort of cup and throw it on the person’s face. Voila! Toiking without causing any damage to the person or anything else!

Hopefully these tips and tricks for Toiking someone nicely and without pain will help you, I know they sure helped me.