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Midwest doctor under scrutiny after using cacti as acupuncture

While the recent dry spell in the Midwest and burning heat of the sun have been uncomfortable for most, in severe cases, extreme sunburn, heatstroke and muscle aches have become the norm. Perhaps some of you may be suffering in silence in the dustiness of your homes while your dear friends find relief with our town’s infamous doctor.

Dr. Smith recently came back from an extended trip to China and has brought home a number of questionable medical practices, one of which has included the use of cacti as acupuncture needles. Traditional Chinese acupuncture is used to treat muscle soreness and claims to improve circulation in the body. It is used to treat headaches, numbness in fingers and toes, as well as improve the overall health of individuals. With the number of illnesses that are plaguing the town, Dr. Smith’s office has been overwhelmed with patients seeking a miracle cure to all their ailments. His acupuncture therapy was scrutinized when reports of his treatment being ineffective and painful came to light. Patients who have received this procedure have complained of sharp pains when the cacti needles were inserted, bleeding in insertion areas and multiple scabs on their bodies. Furthermore, the treatment was not effective in curing any of their health issues.

This is not the first time Dr. Smith’s medical practices have been put under question. Two years ago, he was accused of being unprofessional when he performed operations on patients, using rum and whiskey as disinfectants and attempting to do ‘fire cupping therapy’ using glasses stolen from Studs, the local four-star saloon. He has also been fined for attempting to sell health tonics that claim to prolong life. His tonics, though initially popular, were taken off shelves once it was discovered that the only two ingredients present were horse manure and tumbleweed.  Nevertheless, Dr. Smith remains this town’s only medical professional and will continue to take patients should anyone be seeking a family doctor.

Dr. John Smith

123 Midwest Lane