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Republicans Continue to Live in the Past with $600 Stimulus, Shock No One

In the least shocking twist of 2020, Republicans have reaffirmed their commitment to governing as if it was the 1950’s with $600 stimulus checks after blocking monetary aid packages for months.

“It’s no secret that the Republican position on issues like voting rights, abortion, police reform and marriage equality are reminiscent of opinions that belong in the 1950’s,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in a rare moment of candor. “We’ve also seen a resurgence of McCarthyism in recent years, which is encouraging. So, in terms of legislating as if it were the 1950’s, this aid package is actually very generous.”

Financial analyst and sentient blue dress shirt with a white collar Larry Kudlow further elaborated on the Republican position on financial relief. “$600 in 1950 had the purchasing power of about $10,000 today, so, in a way, this is the most generous relief package in the whole world. And, since we aren’t providing any relief for the months we stalled – I mean negotiated – this legislation, it’s basically $10,000 per month.” For clarification, $600 in 1950 had the purchasing power of $6,500 today.

For reference, McConnell and Kudlow have estimated net worths of about $22.5 million and $10 million respectively. The Toike also feels compelled to point out that $600 today has the purchasing power of $600 or, to put it in terms Republicans might understand, has the same purchasing power as about $56 in 1950.