Here you are on the last page, and hey, now you’ve read all the headlines and think you’ve gotten all the good jokes out of this issue. What you may be failing to recognize, however, is that all of those articles whose titles you got a cheap chuckle out of actually contained bodies of text as well. Yeah. Someone wrote them. One of our stressed and probably hungover staff took time out of their busy life to create cutting edge satire for your enjoyment. And you didn’t even read it. You little shit.

This is exactly the kind of nonsense that makes humour news writing so goddamn unpopular. It’s pricks like you who bring down the whole spirit of the Toike Oike. We work every month to produce this high-brow publication, and all you feel like doing is grabbing a copy from the stand, maybe just ’cause it had boobs on the front, and then skimming through the bold-print for a laugh or two. Your type makes me sick.

You might think it’s no big deal, but it’s insulting to us as humourists. I mean, what do you think we do at our meetings? Just sit around like a bunch of schmucks and pull gag headlines out of our asses? Yeah, well, we don’t. Sometimes we plan the centrespread, too. Now either read a few of the actual articles, or put this classy tabloid back on the rack, you dense bastard.