The UTSU board of directors presented a campaign today outlining their new vision for student sexuality on campus. This recommendation would present anal as the official sexual conduct of the University of Toronto. According to analysts, this standard would open doors and close drapes for students across campus, regardless of shape, size, or sexual orientation.

“Anal is by far the most equitable form of sex,” said Mikuk Ishmael, UTSU Vice President for Student Sexuality. “People of all sexual orientations can participate without feeling left out. Everybody poops, but that isn’t everything that everyone can do with their butt.”

“Even our members without any members can use a strap-on. Did you know ‘strap-on’ backwards is ‘no-parts’?”

The campaign has raised more than a few eyebrows in LGBTQ and equality groups around campus.

“While we appreciate the gesture, we feel like the UTSU might be pushing this a little too far,” said one critic. “Snuffing out all non-anal sex seems a little extreme.”

As it turns out, one group on campus has a significant bone to pick with the UTSU over this issue. Mike Sinculo, president of the Assless Chaps Society, says his group of students without asses is very upset over the UTSU decision.

“This is discrimination, plain and simple. The UTSU is discriminating against men  and women without asses. We will not stand for this. Well, I suppose we will, since we can’t sit. But mark my words, we’ll be protesting this campaign.”

The Engineering community on the other hand seemed unperturbed by the decision.

“It’s not like I’m having sex anyways,” said a computer engineering student who chose to remain anonymous. “Though I think we engineers would be uniquely suited for this new standard. We’re so used to getting fucked by the faculty, we probably wouldn’t even notice the difference.”