Wazzupp, Skule™? I’ve been hearing from a lot of people lately who’ve been criticizing my ability to write a Sex Advice column and accusing me of ignorance on the matters of pleasing a partner just because I’m a so-called “virgin.” Don’t worry, dear reader, as I won’t allow this disgraceful discrimination against an oppressed minority to stand. Believe me folks, I don’t need to sex it up all the time to know the ins, outs, and ins and outs and ins and outs of a partner’s Lady Godiva or King’s College Circle, thanks to my secret weapon: James Bond. I’m here to relay to you the expertise of my hero, the sexiest beast, nay, the biggest daddy in all of cinema.
Now the first thing any hopeful engineer has to know before doing the dirty act is foreplay. I know, I know—I was just as surprised as you guys. However, thanks to double-oh-seven, we’ve finally been given the secret to seducing any partner we so choose: puns. The next time you go to the club, don’t bring along those lame old pickup lines—instead, use James Bond approved foreplay.
Target: Wow, that’s quite a tip you left the waiter. You: I’ve been known to keep my tip up and ready at all times. Instant sweating between your target’s legs. Once the target drags you to your place, rips your clothes off, and purrs like an 18 inch 45cc heavy duty chainsaw, it’s time to get down to the serious stuff. As a virgin, it’s a necessity to remove your status of inexperience ASAP. Guys, be sure to practice weilding your your personal Cannon in advance. Ladies, grab your, um, Lady Godiva, and, uh, practice… using it also? (I’m not certain about the specifics…)
I’ve been assured by many friends that a shorter sex time means the sex is experienced at new levels by both partners. However, my friends have provided unreliable advice before (especially about baseball), so even though packing the same amount of pleasure into a shorter time frame makes mathematical sense, it’s always good to have another Bond-approved pun ready to strike. I recommend personalizing them to your partner to make them more meaningful. For example, if you’re having trouble finding the correct Lady Godiva on an Aero major, just let them know that you’re “attempting reentry”, and that Aero’s exhausts will be burning hotter than rockets entering the atmosphere.
If there’s one message I hope you take away from this column, it’s this: sex is a battlefield where both partners are super-spies racing up a giant mountain’s climax, upon which lies the fate of the world . Luckily, thanks to having watched every James Bond film in existence, I’m a trained sex assassin- and now you are too. No thanks necessary. Letters of successful missions from following my advice can be sent to the editor at email@example.com.