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Monday, 03 February 2014 22:24

The Holy Bible, King Toike Edition

Written by  G. R. Beck
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Fully paraphrased for your convenience


Once upon a time, God, being an omnipotent entity with control over all matter and logic, got bored and created the universe in 6 days flat (world record). Everything was good, up until God created humans and gave them free thought and choice, and they just fucked everything up. That’s basically the entire bible right there, but feel free to read on. “Don’t eat the apples,” said God. So Adam and Eve ate the apples, God evicted them from the utopian garden of Eden and women were cursed with the pains of childbirth for the rest of eternity because obviously this is all their fault.

Murder is invented by two brothers Cain and Abel. Not really the best invention. Humans try out another new invention, attempting to reach heaven by building the tower of Babel, but God creates dozens of unique languages and nobody understands each other anymore and they go back to their first invention: murdering everyone. “Fuck it,” said God, and like an essay that just isn’t starting out well or C code with an unfindable segfault, God decided to start over and flood the whole Earth killing everyone except Noah, his wife, and two of each animal and plant on Earth (roughly 8.74 million pairs).

So, unable to make everyone into good people, He decided to focus on one single family: Abraham and Sarah. They lived in Iraq and had 8 kids. “Leave your town and take your family into the desert!” said God, “I’ll give you a promised land in Canaan!” Okay, cool. They wandered the desert for so long and suffered so much but never found a home. Just to make things better, even though their faith never wavered, they all got killed by famine and fights except for Abraham’s great-grandson Joseph, who made it to Egypt and was quickly sold into slavery for slander. The family’s bodies were eventually buried in Canaan so God technically kept his promise, but wow that went badly.

Anyways, God kinda dozed off for a sec and when he woke up he noticed the Egyptians had enslaved Joseph’s entire lineage of Chosen People, the Israelites. God quickly used his admin powers to rain blood and plague and frogs on the Egyptians and Moses took everyone and parted the Red Sea and the Israelites escaped. Depending on who you ask, Moses totally cried out “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” before closing the gap in the Red Sea onto the pursuing Egyptians.

God then immediately fell into old habits and promised the Israelites a chosen land in Canaan across a giant desert and naturally most of them died trying to get there BUT THIS TIME he also wrote the Ten Commandments. Neat. Look them up on your own time this is a plot summary I don’t have space. After 40 years Moses and his people actually make it to the promised land of Canaan but God says, “Ok Moses you can’t enter lol” because at some point during the journey he didn’t extract water from a rock in accordance with proper company procedure, I’m serious here.

Joshua took command from Moses and the Israelites entered Canaan using either A) a blitzkrieg-style invasion, or B) a slow infiltration. Depends on whether you prefer the book of Joshua or Judges. Canaan, (now called Israel) and its people were then ruled by a series of God-appointed Judges, and then by a series of Kings.

King Saul was a modest king, but eventually succumbed to jealousy and depression. King David was strong, brilliant, and won the hearts of everyone, but eventually succumbed to narcissism, adultery, and murder. King Solomon built the beautiful and famous Temple of Jerusalem and had an awesome economy, but taxes were too high and the people revolted and Isreal was split in two: North and South.

Northern Israel was more prosperous, but also more unstable. Eventually none of that mattered because they were all killed by Assyrians. Southern Israel survived, but all its kings were corrupt and over time people just stopped following rules and laws.

Southern Israel ALSO thought they were invincible because they were God’s Chosen People. Hah. They were all immediately sacked by the Babylonians, everyone was exiled to Babylon, and the Temple of Jerusalem was destroyed. Maybe they should have followed the laws?

45 years later, Cyrus, king of the Persian Empire (which had taken over Israel), decreed that every Israelite exiled to Babylon was allowed back into Israel for free. Only a few returned; society was in shambles, everyone was demoralized, and the law was still not respected. A second, more modest Temple of Jerusalem was built. Ezra, a scribe, realized the collapse of the city was probably due to not following the law. Big fucking surprise. So he set out to write and enforce the Law, and society was eventually restored. Everyone was still slaves under the Persians, but everyone was moderately happy, which for the Old Testament is a pretty decent ending.

Now at the end of the Old Testament are a few more books, like DVD bonus footage, that don’t really fit into the history. The book of Job is about a pious guy named Job who gets all of his wealth and family obliterated in about 40 seconds so God and Satan can settle a bet on whether he will remain faithful. God wins, Job gets his family and stuff back.

Psalms has a bunch of hymns about Israel’s struggle, hope, frustration, faith, and other emotions that accompany God generally making a lot of empty promises and mostly just killing everyone. Proverbs is a collection of wise sayings about seeking the “good life” inside AND outside the law. Ecclesiastes is about a king who’s done it all and seen it all, and states that one should always obey God because even kings are only men, and can die. Song of Songs is filled with songs. Love songs.


So God’s got a new trump card: Jesus Fucking Christ. The Romans and Jewish hierarchy basically control and tax everyone, so Mary gives virgin birth to Jesus in a hay manger. Later, when Jesus is baptised, God shouts down from heaven “THAT’S MA BOY” and henceforth Jesus walks around teaching people non-violence and to love everyone, even enemies. He refers to himself as the Son of Man, or Suffering Servant. Although his points are good, he likes to spice them up from time to time by curing blindness, walking on water, creating food from nothing, turning water into wine, and basically just being a fantastic guy to have at parties.

Too fantastic for parties, though. The Romans worried about revolution, and the Jewish hierarchy worried about being overthrown, and that his parties were getting out of hand, so when he finally came to Jerusalem they decided to nail him to a cross. Jesus saw his death as a new covenant with humanity to absolve them of their sins and secure the kingdom of heaven. Then he died. His 12 apostles and best friends forever (except that Judas asshole who betrayed him) were pretty sad, but three days later Jesus’s body disappeared from his tomb and later he appeared to the apostles totally resurrected. So they went out and, you know, invented Christianity.

The rest of the New Testament is about the spread of Christianity. 50 days later the 12 apostles were filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues so all languages could understand the word of God. Christians quickly spread across the Roman empire and were pretty systematically imprisoned, murdered, stoned to death, etc. But not faster than they could convert people!

Saul, a Christian-hunter, is hit by a beam of light while riding a horse and is immediately converted to Christianity. He changes his name to Paul. He then proceeds to get the highest score at converting Christians, beating all of the Apostles and their high scores, but his persecution and death doesn’t rank nearly as well maybe like 2/10. He was also the first one who opened up Christianity to non-Jews.

Paul also writes a lot of letters defining rules and codes within Christianity, but I’ve only got about a paragraph left and you’re bored so let’s move on to the exciting ending: the apocalypse...

So Jesus shows up. He breaks the 4 of the seals of the 7 scrolls, releasing the 4 horses of the apocalypse. Before the other 3 are broken, 7 angels show up, blowing 7 horns which each release a cruel judgement, wiping out one third of the earth’s population. Satan, in the form of a dragon, storms heaven with fallen angels, but St. Michael smacks that bitch down to earth with his spear. Satan appears on earth in the form of a beast with 7 heads and 10 horns. His number is 666. Cue Metallica. Some worship him.

The end draws near. All non-believers, the antichrist, and the false prophet are thrown into the lake of fire. 7 angels holding 7 bowls pour them out one at a time, releasing 7 plagues. Believers ascend to heaven, chill for 1000 years, then God and everyone return to earth and resurrect all the damned dead just to re-kill them. New Earth is built, featuring streets of gold, walls of jasper, gates of pearl, and the river of life, which will flow eternally from the throne of God. Everyone is happy. The end.

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