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Issue: February 2018

Toike Oike Writer Wanders Off

Posted on: August 27th, 2018

Having previously decided to write an article for the Toike Oike, postmodern gender studies student Edward Yang soon wandered off and left the article unfinished. Much like the piece of toast he nibbled at for breakfast. Or that half-completed sign-thing at Harbord and Spadina.   Although initially dedicated to the task of writing, Yang was […]


UTSU poll Shows Student Indifference at All-Time High

Posted on: August 27th, 2018

TORONTO, ON – Shocking reports out of the UTSU are indicating that the student population has stopped caring about whatever it is they do.   “I mean, yeah, last year we had a referendum, asking students if they would accept a $25 tuition hike to fund pizz-… textbooks,” said an unnamed member of the UTSU’s […]


Man who Reads SexToike “Just for the Articles” Surprised by Actual Sex Stuff

Posted on: August 27th, 2018

SexToike has stirred readers with its vanguard content   A man who allegedly reads publications like Playboy “just for the articles” has been reported as “flabbergasted” by the actual sexual content in the SexToike. After casually retrieving and opening a Toike last Monday, Hank “Wank” McFeely was reportedly seen widening his eyes in seeming delight […]


Largest Team Ever Qualified for 2018 Spookylympic Skeleton Races

Posted on: August 27th, 2018

The Toike Oike spoke with this year’s 24 member Skeleton team in this exclusive report. The team will be attending this year’s Spooklympics in Halloween City, much to the excitement of their fans.   With the 2018 Olympics just around the corner, Canada unveiled its largest Skeleton Team to ever attend the Games. It was […]


Toronto Family Reports Bombardier Streetcar Sighting

Posted on: August 27th, 2018

The Steer family made headlines this week after claiming to have evidence of a Bombardier streetcar in downtown Toronto. Following an alleged sighting near Yonge and Queen, Leyla Steer snapped a picture that she believes is proof of the vehicle’s existence.   “My husband and I never put much stock in the rumours about these […]


Mr. Moe Monet’s Financial Advice

Posted on: August 27th, 2018

Have you been together with your significant other for a while, but still haven’t had sex yet? Are your advances met with “I just need more time,” or something to that effect? Well, just remember: Time is money. That’s right, you can help your partner find all the time they need just by paying them! […]


Six Quick Tips On How to Craft the Ultimate Tinder Profile

Posted on: August 27th, 2018

Scientists are baffled at how well it works   The quintessential search for affection pervades nearly every aspect of today’s society. Everyone is looking for their one true love; the one person who could ever truly understand you completely; your confidante; your soulmate; your kindred spirit; your paramour; your ultimate heart’s desire. (And quick hookups […]


Neighborhood Struck by Middle-Class Riot

Posted on: August 27th, 2018

Estimated $15,000 worth of damage to egos incurred   The social uproar in the suburbs of Toronto has grown to the point where Mayor John Tory has declared a state of emergency. Schools have been closed, and work on the Eglinton Crosstown LRT has been brought to a screeching halt. The municipal government is contemplating […]


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