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Issue: February 2020

For the agriculturally impaired

Posted on: February 26th, 2020

Sleep. I need sleep. But I cannot rest until I determine which farm animal would be the best service animal.  Sheep. These woolly bastards are good for nothing. Do NOT let them into your home. Chicken.  Chicken’s beaks are very useful for our purposes. They are sharp enough to cut through lettuce (to make a […]


Old MacDonald Turns to Creeper Farming

Posted on: February 26th, 2020

Old MacDonald’s farm has got a new addition. Due to increasing demand for gunpowder, Old MacDonald, the world-renowned farmer, has built a Creeper farm. Using the latest techniques from version 1.15.1, MacDonald is achieving rates of 1.5 stacks of gunpowder per hour. When asked what gunpowder is used for, MacDonald said that it’s mostly used […]


Farm Raised Kids: Are they Better than Free Range Kids?

Posted on: February 26th, 2020

While most parents are used to raising their children at home, allowing them unfettered access to the internet and obscene amounts of screen time, another alternative is growing in popularity. Increasingly, parents are shipping their children to farms, to be raised amongst everyone’s favourite animals. At the farm, children are allowed to graze in the […]


Moonshine: A Beginners Guide 

Posted on: February 26th, 2020

Remember that kid you went to school with? The one who was obsessed with making his own liquor because a) he couldn’t afford it and b) none of y’all were legal anyways. Well, that kid was me. Life’s been pretty good to me since getting out of juvie. I’ve really turned it around. Following my […]


The Big B’s Barnyard Breakfast Shuffle

Posted on: February 26th, 2020

Hey, y’all it’s hard to dance and not hit the hay but I’ve been doing it every morning with this set of new moves. I’m going to teach you Bern “The Big B”’s Barnyard Breakfast Shuffle. It’s perfect for when Ma sends me to get the eggs for breakfast. Alright, step in real close, y’all, […]


GMO Corn Creatures Rampage Through University

Posted on: February 26th, 2020

Toronto, ON — Around 2 pm last Wednesday, hordes of genetically modified corn “beings” paraded down St. George Street. These beasts were at least 6 feet tall, had legs, and were otherwise completely made of corn. As they marched, they chanted, “NO MORE EAT CORN” – even though they had no visible mouths. Quite a […]


UofT Students: Cut Back By Adding Rodents to Your Diet!!

Posted on: February 26th, 2020

Hey kids! Feeling hungry? Can’t afford food? Chances are you’ve answered yes to both questions. If you’re like me, then your presence is no longer welcome at Bulk Barn. So where, you ask, should we snack? The answer friends is in plain sight, and by plain sight I mean that dumpster. Yep, the one over […]


Norm and Gord Discuss Corn Subsidies

Posted on: February 26th, 2020

This monthly column features a titillating discussion between brothers Norman and Gordon McLuhan from Moose Jaw. This month’s column is sponsored by Monsanto. Monsanto – what would have happened if Dr. Frankenstein was horny for tomatoes.   Norm: Good day, I’m Norm McLuhan, and this is my brother, Gord –  Gord: Good day! Norm: – and […]


Farm-to-table: 3 New Healthy Lifestyle trends to watch out for in 2020

Posted on: February 26th, 2020

Fed-up with constantly stress-eating ice-cream, cookies and pizza? University of Toronto students are DESPERATELY looking for the cure for the “Freshman 69,” before it becomes the dreaded and more dank “Freshman 420.” Well, look no more! Our esteemed expert, Dr. Crusty Plumbus (PhD in Fadology from Hravard University) is HATED by doctors everywhere for her […]


Old Macdonald Under Investigation by CRA

Posted on: February 26th, 2020

CRA HEAD OFFICE, OTTAWA – Officials at the Canada Revenue Agency announced early this morning that the farmer affectionately known by millions as ‘Old Macdonald’ is now under investigation for Employment Insurance Fraud. “We have received multiple reports from concerned citizens that Ben Macdonald, a farmer from rural Ontario, has been fraudulently claiming Employment Insurance […]


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