Toike Oike Logo

Issue: March 2017

Floating Blue Hard Hats Spotted Selling Blue Hard Hats to Passersby

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

According to recent reports, floating blue hard hats have been spotted hovering around campus and peddling more blue hard hats to the public. This has spurred a flurry of controversy surrounding the reasoning and ethics behind this development. “I can’t believe that they’re trying to profit off of people’s desire to feel included in the […]

“Hibbity-Bippidy-Bibbidy-Pippidy HEY NOW,” Cry Toronto’s Auctioneers

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

TORONTO – A stunning revelation out of Sotheby’s Canada; auctioneers are in fact singing Smash Mouth’s “All-Star” at a pace of 208 bpm instead of whatever-the-fuck we thought they were saying. This was discovered by a local 22-year-old who drunkenly stumbled into the once-famed auction house late Friday night. “Well, somebody once told me,” said […]

International Women’s Day: Caretaking Staff horrified as Feminine products clog lavatory

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

Late evening on International Women’s Day, caretaking staff member Jonathan Nguyen discovered feminine products had clogged the women’s toilets in a Sanford Fleming bathroom during his nightly cleaning rounds. “I noticed several pens in the U-bend of the toilet. Turns out they were the BIC For Her line of pens,” explained Nguyen. Nguyen has been […]

EngSoc Pub Night Theme Sparks Concern

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

Several students at the University of Toronto have brought up serious concerns regarding the Black Friday theme of last week’s pub night. Students are calling this night “a gross misuse of a great opportunity.” The concerns in question deal primarily with offensive music played at the event. The bar began the night by blasting “I’m […]

Building a Wall vs Building a Ladder

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

Wall: By Donald Trump Look at some of the most notable walls in history: the Great Wall of China, the walls of Troy, Carey Price, Wallberg, WALL-E. Do they have any illegal Mexicans? I didn’t think so, folks. This extremely efficient method of exclusion is a great deterrent for people trying to cross international borders, […]

President Trump Orders Liquidation of Iced Capps

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

WASHINGTON, D.C. – It was a stranger-than-usual morning in Washington last Monday, as President Trump issued his 36,284,279th Executive Order mandating “the immediate and total liquidation of the Iced Capps by all means available to the United States.” The order was quickly met by an enthusiastic response from the coal and natural gas industries, which […]

Price Of Periods Increases, Forcing Toike To Use Run-On Sentences

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

During these hard economic times it seems that everything is getting hit in some way or another from clothes, to beer, to musical instruments, to beer again, to burritos, to beer, and to beer, of course, and now something even as trivial as punctuation has been affected by markups, and the Toike has taken serious […]

Student Mildly Surprised to Discover Boyfriend is an Alien

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

EngSci student Dana Scully recently discovered that her boyfriend, Trent Acklepron, is actually an alien. This was disclosed to The Toike Oike during a meeting in EngCom, which she mistook for her psychiatrist’s office. Often clad in long velvet robes and red slippers, Trent has been seen fraternizing with engineers in the Pit ever since […]

Toike Editor Sold at Date Auction for Record-Setting Bid of “No Thanks”

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

Months after the event itself, analysts at the Toike Oike have confirmed beyond all reasonable doubt that history was made nearly two months ago at the Charity Auction during Godiva Week 1T7. A new record has been set for the bidding on the yearly sale of a date with the Toike’s Editor-in-Chief, tallying up to […]

« Previous Page