Union Station, Toronto -- Commuters were shocked earlier last week to find that Mayor Rob Ford had spent a sizeable portion of the city’s budget filling a single TTC subway train car with thousands upon thousands of litres of gravy.
The train was filled with gravy sometime between the hours of 3am and 5am, when the train car was stored away for the night at Davisville station. At orders from the mayor, TTC workers also installed special barriers so gravy would not pour out when the doors opened.
“None of the operators or maintenance crew knew about the operation beforehand,” reported TTC technician Amir Khandani, “we were simply told that the orders came from up high and that if we didn’t co-operate, we would be risking termination.” The TTC night crew was instructed to bring one of the cars out to shipping and receiving where it was then filled by the equally confused operators of a gravy transport tanker. The train car was placed back into line and operators were given precise instructions to operate the TTC as if everything were perfectly normal.
The next morning, commuters were shocked and confused to find a subway car filled two feet deep with gravy. “It was disgusting,” said one anonymous commuter, “but it’s not like we didn’t use the car. A seat’s a seat, and sitting knee-deep in gravy is not really much worse than riding the TTC normally”. Unfortunately, the deep and opaque pool of gravy caused several commuters to lose backpacks, briefcases, strollers, and in one case an entire baby. The baby, who remains unnamed, turned up several hours later alive and perfectly well, though he had gained roughly 50 lbs and has begun expressing a desire to run for mayor.
When asked why he ordered the TTC alterations, Ford replied that it was all a part of his grand plan to “stop the gravy train of wasteful spending” as previously mentioned in his campaign. Field correspondent Peter Raimondo interviewed Ford, intending to inquire how spending copious amounts of money to create a literal gravy train was going to “stop the gravy train of wasteful spending”; however he simply could not resist the urge to call the mayor a “fat fuck” and the interview was subsequently ruined.