UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO – High school graduates looking to transition as quickly as possible into a barista position are in luck. The University of Toronto, in a bid to collect on easy tuition money more quickly, has opened a brand-new express checkout counter for arts degrees, dubbed E-Z Degree.
“The first E-Z Degree will be located on the second floor of Robarts Library, and we expect to see an average enrollment-to- graduation time of less than twenty minutes,” the University claimed at the system’s grand unveiling. “Conveniently, we will be accepting numerous methods of payment, including cash, cheque, debit, Visa, Mastercard PayPass, flex dollars, OSAP loans and internal organs.”
EZ-Degree is slated to open for the 2013-2014 academic year, with the standard package including:
• 1 arts degree, redeemable at any Starbucks, McDonalds, Cineplex, or H&M
• 1 pamphlet describing vague memories of attending psychology, sociology, and/or philosophy class but retaining nothing more than a handful of useless trivia
• $38,000 of student debt
But what about the students who are not looking to rush through their degree? “We have no doubt that many students will still want to spend a full four years here, which is why we’re continuing to support the original Arts degree format,” said Arts Faculty Coordinator Diane Johnston in an email interview. “As we all know, an Arts Degree offers a perfect opportunity for students to squeeze four years of living and eating expenses from their parents as they ‘figure out’ what they want to do in life.”
“Further, many Arts students will want to take full advantage of U of T’s beautiful, spacious, and acoustically sound lecture rooms to browse facebook in. Our numerous, quiet, and wellstaffed libraries are also popular locations to browse facebook in, and our private, accessible, and comfortable dorms are the perfect place to pre-drink and sleep in until mid-afternoon...and browse facebook in.”
However, not all students have parents gullible enough to pay for the vague hope that their child will somehow attain enough talent and self-motivation to acquire a real career after pursuing “Arts.” With EZ-Degree, students can get into the workforce as quickly as possible to start paying off their OSAP loans.
“It’s common knowledge that any adult minimum wage job is impossible to get these days without a bachelor’s degree in something,” said Jason Crichton, who will be entering the University of Toronto next year. “That’s why I decided, hell, why spend four years pretending I’m actually learning anything? Might as well rip the Band-Aid off quickly and jump right into student debt with both feet.”
Once EZ-Degree is in place, U of T will become the sixth Ontario university to implement such a system, with Ryerson, York, Guelph, Carleton, and Western having offered similar express checkout degrees for many years.
“If all goes well, we might even look at bringing EZ-Degree to other faculties and departments at U of T,” Johnston stated. The most likely recipients for the system include Rotman Commerce, The Faculty of Kinesiology & Physical Education, and the entire UTSC campus.