TORONTO, ON - Billions of chickens each year are forced to live in tiny cages and injected with growth hormones; tens of millions of cows each year are confined to concrete feedlots with no room to walk around; but none of these industrial atrocities come even close to the inhumane treatment and trafficking of alcohol on campus.
Typically, alcohols such as beer live in a comfortable environment such as a beer glass or stein such that they are free to breathe and slosh around with dignity. However, with the industrialization of the food and beverage services in modern Canada, beer is now being confined into tiny cans and bottles with little to no air or space to move around.
Some beers in captivity can become so agitated that they foam at the mouth when released; because of this, thousands of gallons of beer fall to the ground every year never to rise again. In fact, agitated beers when released have a 1 in 5 chance of going overboard and losing their head.
Fortunately, the intrepid Faculty of Undergraduate Engineering is doing everything they can to take on this travesty. Starting September, thousands of engineers across campus will be paying out of their own pocket to help release these captive beers from processing giants such as The Beer Store and the LCBO.
They will not be reimbursed for their efforts, these selfless heroes, and some will even be sent to jail by the government for attempting to free too much at once.
Other alcohol, such as wine and spirits, will not be forgotten either. Wine, typically kept in brutal captivity in large quantities for decades at a time, is released little by little by the average household.
This inhumane method of splitting the wine apart several times over causes intense trauma and PTSD (post tannins stress disorder). Engineers across U of T are doing their part by releasing entire bottles at once.
Spirits, such as vodka and rum, are kept in solitary confinement and rendered unable to socialize for extended periods of time. Engineers are helping to mend this delicate situation by mingling newly released spirits with sodas and juices before sending them down into their new home.
Even released alcohols are not always safe from inhumane treatment. At the end of every night, gallons upon gallons of alcohol released into temporary humane living glasses and solo cups goes neglected and unfinished. Well intentioned students attempting to free more alcohol from captivity than they’re willing to house in their stomachs, often do not realize the terrible mistakes they are making until it is too late.
Almost always, these poor liquids end up down the drain, but fortunately the community of engineers on campus is more than willing make sure their comrades finish the job by cheering and shouting until no drop is left behind.
Engineers at U of T endure some of the most brutal schedules and workloads, but almost all of them are able to find time to coordinate and help free captive alcohols in large groups across Toronto. SUDS, an engineering pub located in the SF basement every Friday night, is a non-profit volunteer organization where students can get involved and pitch in any way they can at the end of each week.
With any luck, the University of Toronto will soon be able to recognize the selfless acts taken up by the committed engineers on campus and provide much needed funding to help expand these projects. Less class and homework would also help.
Later starting classes too.
And fewer exams.