Doctors Discover Cabin Fever-like “Pit Sickness” in Engineering Students

Doctors have recently discovered a cabin fever-like condition prevalent in engineering students at the University of Toronto. Named after the atrium in the Sandford Fleming Building, this so-called “Pit Fever” is a physio-psychological condition that is relatively easy to diagnose. In fact, nearly all sufferers of Pit Fever have managed to correctly diagnose themselves through [...]

Dear Miss Ogeny

Dear Miss Ogeny, All the girls these days are so superficial and shallow. I’m a nice guy who deserves so much better – truly a white knight. I want a girl who’s not like other girls, who has real interests and hobbies. What should I do? Sincerely, Bradley Johnson   Well, Bradley, first, you’re looking [...]

Toike Editor Forbids Publication of Niche Joke

Toike Oike Editor-in-Chief and local degenerate Ryan Williams recently forbid the publication of a niche joke written by one of his many slaves—er, “staff writers”. The writer, who wished to remain anonymous, wrote a news brief titled “Smogon Officially Bans Itself”, poking fun at the notoriously ban-happy online Pokémon battling community. Williams explained that the [...]

George R. R. Martin Confirms Half-Life 3

Famed deadline-hater George R. R. Martin has  officially confirmed that the long-awaited Half-Life 3 will be released in the coming months. Martin hasn’t specified exactly when the release will be; only that it will be soon, and that the game will be everything that fans were hoping for. Up to 3 million fans are ecstatic, [...]

8 Things that People Who Don’t Watch Game of Thrones Know About Game of Thrones

As a group of Toike writers (under heavy judgment of our co-writers because we don’t watch Game of Thrones), we have managed to give you a list of things that we know about Game of Thrones, even though we haven’t even watched a single episode. Everybody Dies It was obvious that there was a lot [...]

Political Hashtag Destroying America

Democratic frontrunner Bernie Sanders has drawn record breaking approval rates, despite being blatantly ignored by mainstream media. Sanders’ minions have turned to Twitter to voice their support, rallying behind #FeelTheBern. While it has generated massive traction, this marketing campaign has also had some unintended consequences. In what the Sanders campaign has called “a gross misunderstanding”, [...]

Ask an Artsci!

Dear Annie, I’ve been having this throbbing pain in my chest, and a sharp pain in my right arm. My friends keep telling me to see a doctor, but I dunno… What do you think I should do?         – Diane N. Tsik Well, Diane, it certainly sounds to me like you’re literally dying right [...]

Toike Writer Writes Overly Repetitive and Redundant Written Article for the Toike

A Toike writer for the University of Toronto’s satirical newspaper has written an extremely redundant, and occasionally downright repetitive, article for the Toike Oike, the paper they write for as a columnist. This hopeful satirical writer for the Toike Oike, a satirical newspaper of which the writer is a member, wrote the overly redundant article [...]

Knock-Off Coffee Shops Trending in Chinatown

As if we couldn’t already get a cheaper version of anything in Chinatown, knock-off coffee shops have been cropping up all around Toronto’s West End. Only for the most penny-pinching of caffeine addicts, these “cafés” are a shining example of the shameless brand rip-offs we (and our wallets) have grown to love. For instance, Smell [...]