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An Apology 

Posted on: November 19th, 2020

To Whom It May Concern,  Recently, there has been much discussion amongst the Toike staff regarding various conspiracy theories and the damage they can inflict on our national – and international – discourse. These discussions have led me to reflect on my own sordid past with conspiracy theories, specifically one that I myself perpetuated in […]

Bigfoot Breaks Decades Long Silence: “My name is Todd” 

Posted on: November 19th, 2020

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – After decades of unconfirmed sightings and no public statements whatsoever, the sasquatch commonly referred to as Bigfoot has decided to break his silence in a press conference Tuesday afternoon. The subject of thousands of conspiracy theories and a creature of interest in dozens of missing persons cases in the Pacific Northwest, Bigfoot […]

Bin Laden Endorses Trump After Botched COVID Response 

Posted on: November 19th, 2020

WASHINGTON, DC – After a botched COVID response that has involved discouraging mask use, flouting social distancing guidelines at campaign events, calling for slower testing, publicly disparaging Dr. Fauci to the point where he started receiving death threats, turning the White House into a disease hotspot with more cases than some countries, and of course […]

BOW TO COMRADE TRUDEAU: Communist Cuba’s path to Northern Domination

Posted on: November 19th, 2020

 Buckle up dear reader, because if you voted Liberal in the last two elections YOU’VE had a hand in “electing” our communist leader. We all know Justin is following in his daddy’s footsteps and Big P(ierre) is the reason Justin has his job. BUT what you might not know is that Justin Trudeau’s father is […]

BREAKING: Reclusive Candy-Maker William W. Wonka Arrested 

Posted on: November 19th, 2020

World-renowned candy-maker William “Willy” Wonka was arrested on Wednesday under suspicion of Oompa Loompa trafficking, wanton child endangerment, and possible murder and cannibalism. The arrest comes after a months-long investigation spearheaded by the FBI as well as an independent investigation conducted by undercover Toike reporters.  The investigations into Wonka were initially prompted by a whistleblower […]

Amy Coney Barrett Slammed for using the term “sexual preference”

Posted on: November 19th, 2020

October 14th, 2020: Amy Coney Barrett, US Supreme Court hopeful, made the mortal sin of using the term “sexual preference” in her senate hearing. Barrett was later called out and rightfully so, by Senator Mazie Hirono of Hawaii, a straight woman speaking on behalf of, but without any actual ties to or apparent consultation with the […]

Toike Take – Toronto’s Worst

Posted on: November 19th, 2020

This column features the 3 worst people, places or things (Nouns, for those of you who failed grade 4) in Toronto this month, personal bias definitely included.   Everybody named Eric – It just seems like every time something happens, it’s a guy named Eric. Kennedy assassination? Eric. Other things that are bad? Eric. What […]

Conical Earth Society Editing

Posted on: November 19th, 2020

Hey there young skeptic! Are you a person of science? Well versed in Neil Degrasse Tyson quotes, facts, and logic? Well look no further! The Conical Earth Society wants YOU to join our ranks and help enslave minds propagate the truth in a valiant crusade for knowledge. Interested? Keep reading to see the truth scientists […]

Diddy: “I Paid Weird Al Yankovic To Shoot Biggie and Tupac”

Posted on: November 19th, 2020

BED-STUY, NY — Sipping a cappuccino in a coffee shop two minutes away from the home of his former associate and friend Christopher “The Notorious B.I.G.” Wallace, Sean “Diddy” Combs stares out over the city in reflection.  “In 1995 I had two cereals, called ‘Puffy Puffs’ and ‘Honey Nut Diddy Combs,”’ said the rap mogul, […]

Unearthed Recording Predicts Acquisition of 21st Century Fox to the hands of Disney Corporation.

Posted on: November 19th, 2020

The following document transcribes the contents of a tape found by The Toike’s own intrepid researchers, concerning the acquisition of 21st Century Fox on March 19th, 2019. The move sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, as the merger made Disney well on it’s way to become a media mega-monopoly. Upon reviewing the contents of the […]