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Chestnut Residence Now Nut-Free

Posted on: March 18th, 2017

In an attempt to lure prospective students into accidentally choosing Chestnut Residence as anything but their last choice for student housing , Chestnut has opted to go nut-free. The residence has recently undergone a major transition and has officially changed names to “Chest Residence.” Additional rebranding of the residence has led to the beloved “Chestnut: Best […]

Extreme Life of a Freeloader: How to Survive off of Career Fair Giveaways

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

Honestly, at first I was surprised that anyone even had to cover this article, I mean, come the fuck on! Then I went to YNCN’s Career Fair last month and holy frickin’ hell, n00bs, all I see are n00bs. First of all, those pamphlets and brochures that get handed out throughout the career fair: don’t […]

European Franchise Walmarx Invades Canada

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

TORONTO – The city’s commercial scene is abuzz this weekend as Torontonians eagerly await the grand opening of the first North American branch of revolutionary European retail chain Walmarx right in the downtown core. “It’s just such a novel business model,” enthused self-described Tumblr-revolutionary Norman “El Che” McIntyre while sipping a $7 non-fat mocha frappuccino […]

DISCOUNT SEX ADVICE : How to Lose it on the Cheap

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

Hi friend! Growing up is tough: trust us, WE know! Arguably the most memorable part of your youth is losing your virginity. Ah, the embarrassing moment when you try to unhook her panty, or the awkwardness of putting the condoms on sideways… Oh, how folks like us long for the touch of another person! But, […]

Department Store Wholesaler Slashes Prices; Life Sentence Expected

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

TORONTO – Police were called late last night to the Bloor-Bathurst area, responding to multiple, largely incoherent calls about a crazed man wielding a sword in a department store. Upon arrival, first responders were met with the grisly scene of an elderly man slashing the dismembered remains of three bodies with a claymore greatsword while […]

Nation’s White Girls to Protest #AvocadoTax

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

In accordance with one of President Trump’s central campaign promises, his administration has set in motion a series of actions that would require higher taxes on products entering the U.S. from neighbouring countries, like Mexico. As a result, the avocado—beloved by all brunch-going white girls everywhere—will likely increase in price, spelling trouble for chains like […]

Ask an ArtSci

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

Dear Annie, I have an hour of spare time this semester in between classes. What should I do with it? You could consider taking that hour to practise mindfulness. Just ten minutes of sitting in silence can relieve stress and take your mind off thinking about all of your labs, essays, classes, maintaining your social […]

Sale at Suds

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

Mardi dernier, l’officier de la santé est rentré dans Suds pour constater que la salle était sale. Il y avait de la poussière tout partout, ainsi que dans les brevages. L’officier a du remettre aux gérants un morceau de papier disant que Suds sera fermé indéfinitivement. Plusieurs patrons du pub se sont plaints à l’officier, […]

Vowels on Sale This Week on Wheel of Fortune

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

After 47 years on air, Wheel of Fortune has decided to mix things up, declaring that next week, for the first time ever, vowels are going on sale. The syndicated show that first premiered in 1975 hopes this move will be a game changer for the contestants and the show’s ratings. “We’re all very excited […]

BREAKING: HUDSON’S BAY LIQUIDATING

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

CHURCHILL, MB – In what may be a surprising turn of events to some, it appears that the Bay is liquidating its solid assets this year. Although many solid assets are still afloat, this marks the eleven-thousandth consecutive year that the Hudson’s Bay has done such. A staple of the Canadian economy, Hudson’s Bay is […]