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Black Knight’s Doctor Ends Silence

Posted on: May 2nd, 2019

After nearly 45 years of silence, Peter Armisoff, a retired surgeon, has finally agreed to speak publicly about his most high-profile patient: The Black Knight, who we will refer to as Matt for the remainder of the article. “I think most people know about how Matt was viciously attacked and mostly dismembered by that guy […]

“Journalist” Taunted While Attempting to Interview Castle Residents

Posted on: May 2nd, 2019

As I approach the castle of Guy de Loimbard, I can’t help but notice the elegance of the simplistic exterior. The grey stone contrasts well with the lush green countryside on which it sits and the vibrant blue sky behind it. The turrets give the fortress a classic and timeless look. As I come closer […]

The Four “Worst” Places On Campus to Have Sex!

Posted on: May 2nd, 2019

It seems like all the chatter is about the best places to “do the dirty” on the lovely campus of UofT. It has come to my attention that this is a harsh injustice to all of the places that might not be the best places to “get it on.” Functionality isn’t everything people! Keep on […]

EngSoc Changes Election Process for President

Posted on: May 2nd, 2019

After a record-low turnout for the most recent Engineering Society Officer elections, EngSoc has announced a proposed change to the elections process. Rather than continue to allow students to ignore their right to vote for their President, all interested candidates will now be required to report to the Nathan Phillips Square pond where the next […]

Sir Elfrid Bedevere Releases New Book on Science

Posted on: May 2nd, 2019

In an unexpected appearance on Tim the Enchanter’s Wake Up with Tim or I’ll Feed You to the Rabbit of Caerbannog, Sir Elfrid Bedevere, known for his time as King Arthur’s wisest and most trusted knight during his quest for the Holy Grail, announced the release of his new book: Understanding the World Through Logical […]

Trial Begins for “King Arthur” and the Round Table Gang

Posted on: May 2nd, 2019

CAMELOT COURTHOUSE – The trial of the century began Thursday as the prosecution and the defence made their opening arguments in the murder trial of the Round Table Gang. It was just one year ago that the members of the Gang were captured by law enforcement, including Lance Lotus, Marvin Bedevere, and the leader of […]

PLEASE GIVE US YOUR MONEY!

Posted on: May 2nd, 2019

Please give us your money, please. Look at this paper; don’t you like it? Well thanks to numerous advances by the Ford administration, we are very concerned about whether we’ll have enough money to keep this glorious enterprise afloat. We were able to prevent censorship for so long – I mean, what other paper had […]

Casual Football Fan Doesn’t Quite Understand

Posted on: May 2nd, 2019

EMIRATES STADIUM, LONDON – 23-year-old information technology specialist and self-proclaimed “footy superfan or whatever” Morris Mawss appeared out of place amidst the scenes of Saturday’s North London derby.   “Yeaaaaaah,” pathetically cried the man-child, eliciting a stare amidst the boos from Gunners fans following a goal by Spurs’ and England striker Harry Kane.   Things […]

Pardon Me, Good Sir, I Don’t Mean To Interrupt…

Posted on: April 21st, 2019

Pardon me, good sir, I don’t mean to interrupt but – and I offer my sincerest apologies once again for interrupting, I do understand how frustrating it can be when one is interrupted, there is nothing more rude than an interruption, except perhaps arriving late to a dinner party where one has prepared a rich […]

Virgin Sex Columnist: Monty Python’s March Sadness

Posted on: April 21st, 2019

I’m disappointed, everyone. Suffice it to say that – no, you know what? No sufficement this time, not after the lack-luster response this past month. Thanks for nothing, guys. Every time I get a notification with some photo identifying the love of my life, you know what I see? Shams. Frauds. Duds. Every single email! […]