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LifeSci Senior Staff Writer Confused, Writes Shitty Joke Article About “Evolution”: Definite Proof That Our Current Understanding of Evolutionary History is Incorrect

Posted on: March 11th, 2019

Evolution.   We see its effects everywhere we look. The birds in the sky, the fish in the mighty Don river… Each one, their fitness maximised – the result of several millennia of natural selection.   But what if it isn’t? What if instead they were designed perfectly by a creator, who sculpted them from […]

Virgin Sex Columnist: The New Sexual Revolution

Posted on: March 11th, 2019

Can you smell that in the air tonight? That cool air? That wet feeling in your socks? That’s right – it’s time to bring that wet feeling from your socks to your genitals, because it’s time to wish you all a Happy New Year! However, this year I’m going to stop making resolutions, because it’s […]

The Just-Left-of-Centre Manifesto

Posted on: March 11th, 2019

My fellow Canadians, I am tweeting to let you know that I intend to run to become your Prime Minister.   I am a “woke” leader who cares about Canadians, from Victoria to Halifax, but particularly those located in Canada’s major cities with a substantial social media following. I am a leader who cares about […]

I Can’t Bear This Any Longer: How Society is Prejudiced Against Nature’s Most Majestic Caniform

Posted on: March 11th, 2019

Ears. Two legs. Deep brown eyes. Soft, tousled brown hair. A cute, kissable nose. Tall.   What I just described to you is a person. Perhaps it sounds like your boyfriend or girlfriend, or someone you simply love very much. What I purposely neglected to mention was the other pair of legs, the paws, the […]

Point-Counterpoint: Ski-ba-di-ba-di-ba vs. Bi-di bap ba-da bap boo

Posted on: March 11th, 2019

Ski-di bap ba-doo-dah skiddly diddly diddly diddly di-dah dah-doo-dah dadidadoodadida ski-ski da diddly diddly diddlydiddlydiddly doo dah! Da di da di da doo dah! Skip-ta doo da-bap diddly dee dah ski-dip-bop ba doo-dop ski-diddly doodly diddly dee dah doo dah dee dah doo dah! Twaaang-a lang-a dee dah dee doo dee doo dee dah-skiddly bibidi […]

TOIKE OIKE SECEDES FROM ENGINEERING SOCIETY

Posted on: March 9th, 2019

THE PIT, SANDFORD FLEMING – STUNNING REVELATIONS THIS WEEK AS THE TOIKE OIKE’S OFFICIAL SPOKES-PERSONA JIMMY WORDSAPLENTY HAS ANNOUNCED THE THAT THE TOIKE OIKE WILL BE SECEDING FROM ENGSOC EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.   “NO LONGER SHALL WE LABOUR UNDER THE YOKE OF OPPRESSION, BESTOWED UPON US BY OUR BOURGEOIS FORME-” Hi, I’m Stephen Gidge, EngSoc’s VP of […]

Revolution: Now Streaming on Spotify

Posted on: March 9th, 2019

Turn your life around with this inspiring playlist.   Wagon Wheel – Darius Rucker The most famous recent cover of the country classic. Need I add that Darius is an anagram of Radius… how circular! You may want to spin this one backwards on your turntable to search for more hidden messages.   Revolver – […]

New to Toronto? Seven Untested Tips For Surviving Life in the New City!

Posted on: March 9th, 2019

Are you new to Toronto and looking for some help sorting stuff out? Me too! And you’ve definitely come to the wrong place. Join me on a journey of discovery with these seven untested tips and tricks for when you come to Toronto. My first tip to you: don’t come to Toronto.   A lot […]

Ontario Government’s New Plan to Combat Climate Change

Posted on: March 9th, 2019

The other day representatives of the Ford government unveiled their new plan to combat climate change.   “The plan is simple,” began Hugh G. Ahole. “We will not be approving any social media or regular media posts that have to do with global warming or climate change. The goal with this is to remove the […]

Yes, You Can See Farts in the Winter: Groundbreaking study changes the way we view etiquette

Posted on: March 4th, 2019

A new study has revealed that yes, you can see your farts in cold weather the same way you can see your breath. The study, which consisted of 45 hairy, middle-aged men, included wind tunnel experiments at a wide variety of speeds and temperatures, as well as field tests in several Canadian cities.   “The […]