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Stock Exchange Boiling Over

Posted on: October 22nd, 2017

Bay street is overflowing with investors urgently clamoring to make sense of the fluctuations in the stock market this week. Already Brown Exchange Energy Funds (BEEF) stock is going down the drain: the company has recently faced major public criticism for its high amount of methane emissions and the CEO’s recent death due to Creutzfeldt-Jakob […]

McDonald’s Introduces New Inexpensive Foodstuff

Posted on: October 22nd, 2017

WINNIPEG, MB In response to the ever-growing human population and the subsequent stress on the food production chain, McDonald’s has introduced a new product – the “100% Canadian” hamburger patty, dubbed “Foylint Green” by the company’s food science department. “In our attempt to decrease our carbon footprint, we’ve begun to phase out beef in our […]

The Launch of Uber Celery

Posted on: October 22nd, 2017

Ride sharing Juggernaut Uber has recently revealed plans for the new off-shoot from their main app, and they’re calling it: Uber Celery. “Uber celery is going to change the way you think abou celery” says Uber CEO Data Khosrowshahi. “There’s an imbalance in the world between the people who have celery, and the people who […]

Perfectly Human Elon Musk is Busy with Perfectly Human Cars

Posted on: September 24th, 2017

LOS ANGELES — Social media is abuzz today as noted industrialist and investor Elon Musk presented the state- of-the-art Tesla Model 3 at a corporate showcase yesterday evening. Stunning the crowd with his newest technological marvel, Musk utilised his “nerdy” charisma to the fullest by frequently referencing jokes whose punchlines cast him as an alien. Anecdotally, […]

Virgin Galactic Almost Ready to Commercial Space Travellers

Posted on: September 24th, 2017

Commercial space carrier Virgin Galactic has once again claimed they are “very close” to being able to o er their full body of travel services to customers. Admittedly, this has been reported as imminent every couple of years without any signi cant leaps being made, but CEO George Whiteside has assured skeptics that this time the […]

Transformers Review

Posted on: September 24th, 2017

After several years of product revision and company restructuring e orts, Cybertron Electronics nally delivers a line of quality products that hobbyists of all ages will enjoy. The flagship model, named “Bumblebee” delivers an extensive 60V output with an energy e ciency of almost 94%. While the AC output is kept clean by a top-of-the-line […]

7 ways to tell you’re in space

Posted on: September 24th, 2017

Life can be confusing, and today you’re having a particularly bad day: you’re afraid you might be in outer space without even realizing it. Luckily, The Toike Oike now has seven sure re ways to confirm that you are no longer on Earth. 1) You can’t breathe That’s odd. You’ve tried taking a deep breath […]

Chestnut Residence Now Nut-Free

Posted on: March 18th, 2017

In an attempt to lure prospective students into accidentally choosing Chestnut Residence as anything but their last choice for student housing , Chestnut has opted to go nut-free. The residence has recently undergone a major transition and has officially changed names to “Chest Residence.” Additional rebranding of the residence has led to the beloved “Chestnut: Best […]

Extreme Life of a Freeloader: How to Survive off of Career Fair Giveaways

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

Honestly, at first I was surprised that anyone even had to cover this article, I mean, come the fuck on! Then I went to YNCN’s Career Fair last month and holy frickin’ hell, n00bs, all I see are n00bs. First of all, those pamphlets and brochures that get handed out throughout the career fair: don’t […]

European Franchise Walmarx Invades Canada

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

TORONTO – The city’s commercial scene is abuzz this weekend as Torontonians eagerly await the grand opening of the first North American branch of revolutionary European retail chain Walmarx right in the downtown core. “It’s just such a novel business model,” enthused self-described Tumblr-revolutionary Norman “El Che” McIntyre while sipping a $7 non-fat mocha frappuccino […]