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Perfectly Human Elon Musk is Busy with Perfectly Human Cars

Posted on: September 24th, 2017

LOS ANGELES — Social media is abuzz today as noted industrialist and investor Elon Musk presented the state- of-the-art Tesla Model 3 at a corporate showcase yesterday evening. Stunning the crowd with his newest technological marvel, Musk utilised his “nerdy” charisma to the fullest by frequently referencing jokes whose punchlines cast him as an alien. Anecdotally, […]

Virgin Galactic Almost Ready to Commercial Space Travellers

Posted on: September 24th, 2017

Commercial space carrier Virgin Galactic has once again claimed they are “very close” to being able to o er their full body of travel services to customers. Admittedly, this has been reported as imminent every couple of years without any signi cant leaps being made, but CEO George Whiteside has assured skeptics that this time the […]

Transformers Review

Posted on: September 24th, 2017

After several years of product revision and company restructuring e orts, Cybertron Electronics nally delivers a line of quality products that hobbyists of all ages will enjoy. The flagship model, named “Bumblebee” delivers an extensive 60V output with an energy e ciency of almost 94%. While the AC output is kept clean by a top-of-the-line […]

7 ways to tell you’re in space

Posted on: September 24th, 2017

Life can be confusing, and today you’re having a particularly bad day: you’re afraid you might be in outer space without even realizing it. Luckily, The Toike Oike now has seven sure re ways to confirm that you are no longer on Earth. 1) You can’t breathe That’s odd. You’ve tried taking a deep breath […]

Chestnut Residence Now Nut-Free

Posted on: March 18th, 2017

In an attempt to lure prospective students into accidentally choosing Chestnut Residence as anything but their last choice for student housing , Chestnut has opted to go nut-free. The residence has recently undergone a major transition and has officially changed names to “Chest Residence.” Additional rebranding of the residence has led to the beloved “Chestnut: Best […]

Extreme Life of a Freeloader: How to Survive off of Career Fair Giveaways

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

Honestly, at first I was surprised that anyone even had to cover this article, I mean, come the fuck on! Then I went to YNCN’s Career Fair last month and holy frickin’ hell, n00bs, all I see are n00bs. First of all, those pamphlets and brochures that get handed out throughout the career fair: don’t […]

European Franchise Walmarx Invades Canada

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

TORONTO – The city’s commercial scene is abuzz this weekend as Torontonians eagerly await the grand opening of the first North American branch of revolutionary European retail chain Walmarx right in the downtown core. “It’s just such a novel business model,” enthused self-described Tumblr-revolutionary Norman “El Che” McIntyre while sipping a $7 non-fat mocha frappuccino […]

DISCOUNT SEX ADVICE : How to Lose it on the Cheap

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

Hi friend! Growing up is tough: trust us, WE know! Arguably the most memorable part of your youth is losing your virginity. Ah, the embarrassing moment when you try to unhook her panty, or the awkwardness of putting the condoms on sideways… Oh, how folks like us long for the touch of another person! But, […]

Department Store Wholesaler Slashes Prices; Life Sentence Expected

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

TORONTO – Police were called late last night to the Bloor-Bathurst area, responding to multiple, largely incoherent calls about a crazed man wielding a sword in a department store. Upon arrival, first responders were met with the grisly scene of an elderly man slashing the dismembered remains of three bodies with a claymore greatsword while […]

Nation’s White Girls to Protest #AvocadoTax

Posted on: March 17th, 2017

In accordance with one of President Trump’s central campaign promises, his administration has set in motion a series of actions that would require higher taxes on products entering the U.S. from neighbouring countries, like Mexico. As a result, the avocado—beloved by all brunch-going white girls everywhere—will likely increase in price, spelling trouble for chains like […]