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Kats and Masturbation

Posted on: October 16th, 2020

Fact: Every time you masturbate god kills a kitten. How many more have to die? As of March 10th, 2020, recent scientific studies have been showing a strong correlation between the lack of teenagers in public settings and the death of kittens worldwide. This upswing in feline mortality started off seeming as a complete coincidence, […]

5 Things to Do to Keep Yourself Stimulated in Quarantine

Posted on: October 16th, 2020

What’s up all you Peters and Virginias. It’s your boy, Dick, with the hottest ways to keep yourself occupied through months of quarantine. Now, if you’re staying home alone or even if you’ve got loved ones keeping you company, ole Dick here knows that the lack of human contact can be physically, mentally and emotionally […]

An Open Letter to Steven Spielberg and Colin Trevorrow

Posted on: October 16th, 2020

TO STEVEN SPIELBERG AND COLIN TREVORROW:  Dear sirs, I hope this letter finds you well. I understand that you are both busy people – more Steven than you Colin, but you hang in there – so I’ll get straight to the point. As a longstanding member of The Toike Oike – U of T’s and, […]

Batman Detained for Flouting Mask Mandate 

Posted on: October 16th, 2020

CENTRAL PRECINCT, GOTHAM CITY – Late Wednesday night, Gotham City Police Commissioner James Gordon announced that the vigilante known as Batman had been detained for his continued and blatant violation of the federal mask mandate.  “For years, Batman has been allowed to operate as Gotham’s shield against supervillains because he was protecting people,” said Gordon. […]

Fox News Apologizes for Hyperbolic Ebola Coverage 

Posted on: October 16th, 2020

NEW YORK CITY, USA – Fox News Channel has issued a statement apologizing to the public for their “irresponsible coverage” of the Ebola crisis in 2014. The statement, which cites the extremely small US death count attributed to Ebola (2 persons) as proof that the channel overreacted to the crisis at the time.   Fox Corporation […]

From the Toike Vault: “If I wanta read durin’ the nighttime, I will, arright Guv?”

Posted on: October 16th, 2020

With Toike staff quarantining across the globe, the Toike has been able to uncover articles such as this one from regional affiliates from around the world, including Great Britain. Written sometime in late 1940 by an anonymous resident of Westminster in London, “If I wanta read durin’ the nighttime, I will, arright Guv?” was an […]

Journal of a Toike Writer in Quarantine: The First Hundred Days 

Posted on: October 16th, 2020

Editor’s Note: At the start of quarantine, Toike writer Edward Graham decided to keep track of his daily routine for posterity’s sake. The resulting journal details everything he did each day during quarantine as well as his inner thoughts and feelings. The journal was found in a Toike Google Drive folder with the most recent […]

10 Zoom Conversation Starters to Convince People that you still know how Human’s Talk

Posted on: October 16th, 2020

Imagine: you wake up, light is streaming through your window. The birds are chirping, the air is crisp, and you’re excited for a brand new day. But then you remember that you’re basically stuck in your house, room, or roofless greenhouse (cause some SFU student moved back in and took your room). That light streaming […]

Point-Counterpoint: Everyday Fast Food is Irresponsible and Unhealthy vs Why Do You Hate Small Business?

Posted on: October 16th, 2020

Getting takeout every day, especially fast food, is both financially irresponsible and incredibly bad for one’s health. Countless studies have shown that fast food is extremely high in fat, cholesterol, sodium and countless other ingredients that have an adverse impact on a person’s health. Moreover, all takeout places charge you for food preparation, making daily […]

Point-Counterpoint: I Hope the Pandemic Lasts FOREVER vs. The Human Needs to GTFO!

Posted on: October 16th, 2020

OH MY GOD! THE HUMAN’S HOME ALL THE TIME NOW! WE GET ALL THE HEAD SCRATCHES AND BELLY RUBS WE WANT AND AND AND SOOOOO MANY MORE TREATS AND–    WILL YOU SHUT UP! I have such a headache already. The human needs to get the fuck out of my face. I’m fine letting that […]