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The Case Against theonion.com

Posted on: March 9th, 2020

“Your Honour, today I would like to present before you a lawsuit against theonion.com. It has recently come to the attention of the Toike editorial staff that theonion.com has been plagiarizing the TOIKE OIKE for the last several years. Not only is this a gross miscarriage of intellectual respect, it is also…uh, illegal? Anyways, this […]

From The Toike Vault: The Family Circus “Kitchen Nightmares” 

Posted on: March 9th, 2020

During his time at the University of Toronto in the mid 1930’s, renowned cartoonist Bill Keane, best known for creating the comic strip ‘The Family Circus,’ developed his craft by drafting the Toike’s first ever Comics. Keane, a noted cooking enthusiast and opponent of vegetarianism, would often draw from his experiences in the kitchen to […]

ONLY EAT RAW ONIONS IF ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY: A Movie Review 

Posted on: March 9th, 2020

In preparation for this month’s Toike, I found it difficult to think of a film to review that was even tangentially related to onions. For hours, I scoured the internet for films with more than a passing mention of onions. And then, it hit me. It was so simple. A beloved movie from my childhood […]

Onions Are a Fruit – Prove Me Wrong

Posted on: March 9th, 2020

You know what annoys me? Not that you even asked – no one ever does – but man, onions are like, totally a fruit, dude. Just think about it, if tomatoes can be a fruit then why can’t onions? Tomatoes are probably more on the ‘berry’ end of the fruit spectrum, like corn.  Sometimes I […]

PCP: Onion Toike is about onions vs. Onion Toike is an excuse to talk about Shrek

Posted on: March 9th, 2020

Ok, listen. Onions are seriously ignored as a vegetable. This Toike’s purpose is to bring awareness to how much onions do for us, and why we should appreciate them more.   HOLD ON. You really think that an extremely qualified and serious newspaper’s staff would have decided to write an entire issue about onions? Surely, […]

PCP – Onion vs Onion II: Far Far Away

Posted on: March 9th, 2020

They say a sequel never can outdo the original, but Onion II: Far Far Away completely defies this standard.   Seriously? Have you even seen the two movies? The original Onion far outclasses its successor.   The story of the second contains significantly more depth than the first. We follow the story of a man […]

INDIA OUT OF ONIONS?

Posted on: March 9th, 2020

It’s official, India might be facing its biggest crisis since the colonization. The country has claimed to have run out of onions. Yesterday in an official government statement, the Prime Minister, Parendra Podi, delivered the terrible news with onionless tears in his eyes.  The rumours started last week when people began to notice the absence […]

‘Spanish’ Onion Returns from Semester Abroad, Doesn’t Talk About It

Posted on: March 9th, 2020

GEORGE CAMPUS, U OF T – A University of Toronto onion-student returned from a semester abroad in Europe to rejoin their fellow students earlier this year. However, in a shocking development, the white onion has restrained from bringing up the four-month-long international experience.  Yes, the international relations and political science major, who we will refer […]

“Ogres Don’t Actually Have Layers” Says Fantasy Doctor

Posted on: March 9th, 2020

BREAKING – A new medical report by high fantasy anatomy expert Doctor Dean Winchester has definitively disproved a long-held misconception about ogres. This first-of-its-kind autopsy report for an ogre was published in the American Medical Journal late in February and quickly went viral.    “First and foremost, I want to convey my deepest condolences to […]

For the agriculturally impaired

Posted on: February 26th, 2020

Sleep. I need sleep. But I cannot rest until I determine which farm animal would be the best service animal.  Sheep. These woolly bastards are good for nothing. Do NOT let them into your home. Chicken.  Chicken’s beaks are very useful for our purposes. They are sharp enough to cut through lettuce (to make a […]