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Local Boy Addresses Christmas Letter to Satan

Posted on: February 14th, 2017

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, the fires of Hell were engulfing little Jimmy’s home. Satan was up on the rooftop, led by His chariot of hellhounds, with presents for every little boy and girl who wrote to Him instead of the other big red guy who watches naughty children. “It’s […]

2017’s HOTTEST Baby Names!

Posted on: February 14th, 2017

Taylor Carole Lucy Jess Belle (short for Belphegor!) Mark Cthylla Asmodeus Beezlebub Rhan-Tegoth (or just Rhonnie!) Melissa Anna Zushakon (did you know this is Shaq’s full name?) Shub- Jeff Astaroth Gressil Baoht Z’uqqa-Mogg, Bringer of Pestilence Nug and Yeb (for twins!) Kanye  

Kanye West Lyrics Summon Terrifying Manifestation of His Ego

Posted on: February 14th, 2017

Hip-hop icon Kanye West faces accusations of engaging in the occult. “I miss the old Kanye, straight-from-the-go Kanye,” chants West on The Life of Pablo. However, according to Skule’s own expert on the occult, Kevin Bacon, when “I Love Kanye” is sung while sacrificing a five-month-old lamb in the middle of a pentagram under a […]

PETA Goes Anti-Witchcraft

Posted on: February 14th, 2017

The animal rights group PETA has set its sights on what they feel should be the next forefront of animal rights: witchcraft, wizardry, and similar forms of magicks. The group known for bringing up stuff the rest of us prefer not to think about, like factory farming and animal testing, has turned their focus to […]

Point Counterpoint: All of this Cult stuff is kinda Hooey VS I AM SATAN, LORD OF DARKNESS, DESCENDING UPON YOU NOW

Posted on: February 14th, 2017

All of this cult stuff is kinda hooey Umm, hey friends. I know I’ve only been part of your cult for a few days, but don’t you think that all this stuff is getting out of hand? I mean, I’m all for making a change in the world and sticking up for everyone who feels […]

Local Man Ingests Play-Doh Snake “for Science”

Posted on: February 14th, 2017

Local man Ron Davison has begun what can only be described as a revolutionary experiment. “The idea came to me while I was on the toilet,” explained Ron. “I was just thinking, we don’t have a good model of the digestive system, and it’s a shame we can’t look inside a person to find out […]

Local Engages in Sagan Worship

Posted on: February 14th, 2017

BERKLEY, CA – The Toike Oike has the rare opportunity this month to be privy to the experience of an inspiring young cultist who is part of a new faith that is sweeping the world. “My parents were the staunchest Christians in Beverly Hills: we went to mass every Christmas and Easter, and I went […]

Campus Basement Home to Sinister Cult

Posted on: February 14th, 2017

The Toike Oike has discovered significant evidence of a cult operating covertly within the hallowed halls of the University of Toronto, known simply as “Engineering.” Members of the cult, called “engineers,” have all been indoctrinated to varying degrees of cultishness. The most basic level involves working towards a ring signifying membership of the cult; a […]

Cthulhu Concedes Defeat to Republican Candidate Trump

Posted on: February 14th, 2017

Major loss for anthropomorphic cephalopod deity Long suffering from under-representation in federal government, the aspirations of Antediluvian Cosmic Beings (ACBs) everywhere were extinguished this past month with the swearing-in of Donald Trump as President of the United States. Although displeasure with the election results were reported to be uniformly high across the minority group, it […]

Orange Dæmon Elected to High Public Office

Posted on: February 14th, 2017

Cultists rejoice across the world this month as the abominable result of an unusually successful arcane rite has managed to be voted into a prominent public office. Achieving a position of unprecedented importance for one of its kind, the rare Orange Dæmon can only be summoned with a complex ritual involving small loans of a […]