Documents Reveal Ryerson Attempts to Download RAM After Mascot Theft

Documents have been obtained regarding the actions of Ryerson engineers after the 2013 seizure of their mascot, the RAM. The documents, consisting of memos, emails, doodles, and scientific papers published by researchers at the “university,” paint a detailed picture of what life was like during the search for RAM. Ryerson’s most qualified computer engineers immediately [...]

Investigation into EngSci Common Room’s Reek Reveals New Bacterium

A new bacterium was discovered last week in the EngSci common room. The bacterium, named porcinum ingeniorum, was discovered during a recent study on why the Engineering Science Complex, known colloquially as “the Sty,” maintains its reputation as one of the worst-smelling facilities on campus. Samples taken from the common room by respirator-clad graduate students [...]

Med Sci Dean Confirms No Corpses Have Escaped Laboratories (This Morning)

Earlier this month, the Dean of the Faculty of Medicine held a press conference on front campus and announced that no corpses have walked out of the Medical Sciences Building as of this morning. The Dean made this announcement suddenly and for no discernable reason. The announcement has caused some concern among students and staff [...]

New Study Shows Thoughts and Prayers Don’t Actually Provide Relief During Disasters

A new report published by the United Nations has brought to light a staggering finding about the effectiveness of well-wishers towards people in disaster-stricken regions. Contrary to widespread belief, neither thinking about nor praying for said people actually makes any difference whatsoever. One avid social media blogger had strong opinions on the report. “This is [...]

Protests Rage Through Galaxy as “Black Holes Matter” Group Calls for Political Upheaval

Galactic unrest has plagued the Milky Way as a protest from the Black Holes Matter group ran through the night, shutting down all transportation through the Kuiper Belt. “Enough is enough. This brutality must end.” That was the common theme amongst protesters last night. BHM leaders cited cluster-wide systemic discrimination as an urgent problem that [...]

Starbucks Goes Basic

The renowned coffee shop explores the vastness of the pH scale

Study Finds Civil Engineers Not Actually Civil

After an almost four-year (plus PEY) study at the University of Toronto’s Faculty of Applied Science and Engineering, it has been found that civil engineers are not, in fact, civil. Hugh J. Wang, a Civ 1T5 and lead author of the study, applied to U of T seeking an education that would allow him to [...]

Study Finds Missing Car Keys

Researchers at the University of Saskatchewan were shocked on Thursday when a three-year study on the effects of a high-sugar diet on children with a genetic predisposition for diabetes found a set of car keys reported to have gone missing some time the previous afternoon. Interviews revealed that the majority of researchers expected to find [...]

The End of an Era at the ECC

The University of Toronto announced today that the Engineering Career Centre will be closed, after it was revealed that the PEY program had been operating as a Ponzi scheme for the last decade. Instead of student services, fees paid by PEY participants were used on luxury items for the ECC offices, including electric staplers and [...]

Traces of Women Found in Mech

For years the desolate discipline has sat barren and secluded, populated only by robots and, possibly even less human, mechanical engineers.  A ground-breaking new discovery by the National Androphobic Scientists Administration (NASA) has uncovered traces of women in mech – evidence that the discipline may once have had full classes, or even binders, of women.  [...]