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Ryerson Golden Ram Had Nothing Worth Stealing, U of T Responds by Building New Newsstand

Posted on: October 1st, 2018

In response to the recent theft of a Toike Oike newsstand by members of the nefarious criminal syndicate of illiterate “engineers”  known only as the Ryerson Golden Ram, members of Skule™’s most beloved publication, the Toike Oike, decided that such a wanton act of disrespect could not be tolerated. However, when a group of Toike […]

“Blame on Both Sides” for Violent Clashes in Osgiliath

Posted on: September 29th, 2018

Lord Denethor, son of Ecthelion, said there was “blame on both sides” for the violent clashes that erupted in Osgiliath over the weekend, equating the actions of Orcish invaders and Dunlendings with those of Gondorians who gathered to challenge them.   “I’m not putting anybody on a moral plane. You had one group on one […]

Timetables: Engineering’s Most Unrealistic Fantasy

Posted on: September 29th, 2018

The dragon and the Donkey in Shrek can actually have babies, Frodo can resist the goddamn Ring, but you, my fellow engineer, will never have a manageable timetable! You might be a Frosh and still have that tiny speck of hope, but oh my naive friend, you’ll lose that hope faster than a cheetah runs. […]

Local Hipster Was Totally Into One Ring Before Anyone Else

Posted on: September 29th, 2018

“Sit anywheres you like,” hissed Gollum, gesturing to a non-descript, fair-trade boulder near the centre of his studio cave in the up-and-coming neighbourhood beneath the Misty Mountains. “Is the reporterses hungry? We has fresh, local fishes for you to snacks on as an amuse-bouche! Very juicy!”   Gollum pours me a goblin skull full of […]

Andy Serkis Opens Andy Circus

Posted on: September 29th, 2018

Actor Andy Serkis, best known for portraying Gollum in Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy and Caesar in the Planet of the Apes reboot, has opened a circus appropriately called the Andy Circus. The circus features Serkis himself as the main act, reprising his past roles in just a motion capture suit. Serkis initially […]

Alice Unsure if She’s Actually in Wonderland or That Really Was a Sheet of Acid

Posted on: September 29th, 2018

UNKNOWN LOCATION IN TIME AND SPACE – “Dude, not again,” exclaimed an exasperated Alice after tumbling several feet down either a rabbit hole or a manhole. “Fuck me, I shouldn’t have eaten that guy’s gum wrapper on a dare.”   Alice, now twenty-seven years old, had previously fallen down a rabbit hole at age seven […]

MYHealth: U of T’s New Approach to Increasing Activity in Students

Posted on: September 29th, 2018

In order to combat the rising tide of obesity as well as the lack of physical activity performed by the majority of the engineering community, the Faculty of Applied Science and Engineering has decided to roll out a new “built-in” fitness plan to the recently opened Myhal Centre for Engineering Innovation and Entrepreneurship.   Working […]

The Toike Reviews… “THE SKY CRIES DARKNESS”

Posted on: September 28th, 2018

“How could our love ever exist in this dystopia?” asked Lilypad, her voice quivering. Are those tears she’s choking on, or the Sorcerer’s betrayal? How could she ever think that she could reunite the 23 realms like her ancestors did all those centuries ago without losing all those she loved – and a piece of […]

Local “Hobbit” Charged With Murder 556 Years Later, Sentenced to Death by Volcano

Posted on: September 28th, 2018

March 25, 3019th year of the Third Age   BREAKING: Sméagol, better known by his alias “Gollum”, was sentenced to death by volcano just moments after an assault on a backpacking hobbit visiting Sammath Naur, a historical site within Mount Doom.   The sentence was met with overwhelming approval from the Council of Elrond, who […]

Marigold “Goldie” Locks Arrested for Burglary

Posted on: September 28th, 2018

EFPD HEADQUARTERS, ENCHANTED FOREST – Over the past few years, the quaint community of the Enchanted Forest has seen innumerable crimes go unsolved, leaving many residents feeling uncertain about the safety of their happily ever afters. Late last night, the Enchanted Forest’s Chief of Police Grizz Christian Lee announced that officers had a breakthrough in […]