TORONTO, ON – Elderly marketing mogul Bartholomew “Barty” Sampson recently revealed that he has suffered a 7% decrease in net worth and penile length.

“Yeah, my wallet and genitals both took a real hit last quarter when our agency’s stock plummeted. Might have to sell the cottage.” Stated the suffering businessman.

Sampson’s company, Two In The Inc., was once, like his penis, a rising superstar in the creative world, rocketing to the top while running ads for Viagra, Cialis, Fleshlight, and Fisher-Price. He reached the climax of his career in 2010 when his company’s revenue exceeded CAD$100 million, and his sperm numbered in the billions.

Unfortunately for the hardworking Sudbury-native, his company posted 7 straight years of losses, and his penis experienced a 32% decrease in rigidity. Sampson also experienced a 1mL decrease in ejaculate.

“I’m just not into it anymore. I can’t seem to find the energy. My life is just… My joie de vivre is just gone. I just can’t get it up in the morning anymore, no matter how hard I try,” said the former millionaire and currently impotent senior.

At time of writing, Sampson was screaming at his penis and his stock portfolio in the hopes of improving their respective performances