As a group of Toike writers (under heavy judgment of our co-writers because we don’t watch Game of Thrones), we have managed to give you a list of things that we know about Game of Thrones, even though we haven’t even watched a single episode.
- Everybody Dies
It was obvious that there was a lot of violence, but EVERYBODY dies in this show. Like, literally everybody. That side character who was onscreen for 5 seconds? Dead. Your favourite main character? Definitely dead. People kill strangers, enemies, their relatives, and even the people who they just had sex with.
- A Lot of Nudity
They warn about explicit content, and it’s definitely explicit. Boobs and dicks are flying everywhere. There are as many sex scenes in one episode as death scenes – possibly more (which is pretty impressive). The following is a real conversation that took place between the writer and his Game of Thrones fangirl friend:
“Hey, that Turkish porn star (Sibel Kekilli, who played Shae) is acting in Game of Thrones, right?” “Well, she was. She’s dead now.”
- Very Catchy and Amazing Soundtrack
dun dun dududun dun dududun dun dududun dun dududun dun dududun dun. Sets a good mood for your Netflix and Chill session.
- “Winter is Coming”
Apparently, winter is coming, and a guy who is wearing the thickest coat we have ever seen is complaining. But we love him because he has awesome hair and has a sword that looks like Da Sword in Da Stone. Wait, he’s dead already? He died in the first season? FUCK!
- Joffrey Is A Little Bitch
Everyone hates this kid called Joffrey. We don’t know why but they just do. From the photos, he looks like an asshole but- he’s also dead? Oh, never mind.
HODOR! (Wait, Hodor’s not dead, right?)
- There’s That Short Guy
You know that guy who appears in every little person role in Hollywood? He’s here too, and he looks pretty badass with his beard, sitting on the throne. Unfortunately, he’s also- He’s not dead yet? YAAAAAS! #PrayForShortDude!
- “Where Are My Dragons?”
A blonde girl lost her dragons and she’s very mad about it. She clearly should have watched How To Train Your Dragon more carefully. Even Harry Potter managed to deal with a dragon in the Triwizard Tournament and he wasn’t even 17! Like geez, blonde chick, get your shit together.
So here you go, these are the things we know about Game of Thrones, based only on our friends’ conversations, and our Twitter and Facebook feeds. These are the only things we #GoT.