A recent debate on whether the tongue cleaner on the new Colgate 360 actually killed 99% of bacteria ended up in tension when one health professional, Dr. Noah Lotte, claimed that the tongue cleaners were completely useless. He proceeded to explain how his daughter had been using it, but recently had cavities in her teeth. On the other hand, his son, who uses Oral-B toothbrushes, has had pearl white teeth all his life.
A similar situation arose last month when the group of ten health professionals were discussing the five senses when the same health professional claimed that his wife has a sixth sense. “Whenever I think that my wife is the worst person in the world and we should get divorced,” explained Dr. Lotte, “she realizes that I dislike her and calls me out, which must mean she has a ‘sixth sense.’ Therefore, contrary to popular belief, all humans have six senses. You’re welcome, science.
By making a generalization about all humans from a single data point, Dr. Lotte has proven himself to work from intuition rather than carefully collected evidence. This may be why he has been gaining popularity through The Dr. Oz Show.
One of the other nine health professionals in the room, who chose to stay anonymous, explained his animosity toward Dr. Lotte. “Remember seeing those ‘4 out of 5 health professionals agree’ kind of commercials on TV before? IT’S ALWAYS HIM WHO DISAGREES. We just can’t convince the guy to be reasonable. He always brings up anomalous examples from his family and disregards the actual facts. The worst part about him is that he doesn’t even agree to disagree. He disagrees to disagree, then proceeds to disagree with the disagreement in his next sentence. Why can’t we all agree that the new tongue cleaners are just really awesome? WHO THE HECK GAVE HIM A DEGREE?!”
Some of Dr. Lotte’s successful journal articles include “Bleach: The New Cure for Jaundice” and “Smoking: The Health Benefits of At Least Looking Cool.” Despite receiving a great deal of criticism from the scientific community, Dr. Lotte is loved and respected by his family. Mrs. Anita Lotte believes that her husband is a genius and praised him for recently developing the entire field of alchemical engineering. “He is hoping to start his own undergraduate program at a local state college,” she proclaimed. “He just wants to make the world a better place by taking poisonous stuff like mercury and lead and turning it into stuff everyone can enjoy, like gold and money.”
Dr. Lotte says he is proud of what he does. “I think the other nine health professionals just need some time to get used to my unique way of thinking,” he stated. “After all, nobody thought Einstein’s ideas had merit when he first presented his theory of relativity.”
