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A Cannabis Connoisseur’s Guide to Toking

Ah, the subtle aroma of a high-brow joint while overlooking my estate’s hemp fields… truly an enlightening pleasure. Unlike the basest of pedestrian herb, I purvey only the finest of marijuana strains, and give counsel on how to best appreciate this refined tradition of “toking up”.


Firstly, you need to know the essentials of ingestion. Visually appreciate the beauty of the bud, taking time to smell it raw and roll it between your fingers, describing the appearance, taste, and texture in your hemp-paper Cannabis Experience Journal. Roll your joints with only organic, non-GMO, gluten-free hemp, or silk papers. If using a vapourizer, anything under 500 quid is a waste! I recommend a non-reactive gold-plated mouthpiece. The correct heat to use depends on the strain, the time of day, and the location of Venus relative to your astrological sign from the vantage point of the coordinates 18.3894°N 78.2740°W. Inhale, and hold the vapour in your lungs for exactly as many seconds as your second closest friend’s projected years taken for degree completion. Swirl it around in your mouth to coat your palette, and appreciate the fine aroma with your nose. A good toke is an experience for the mind, body, and soul. Delight your friends with a cannabis-sampling party alongside fine craft beer and Dorito canapés. I recommend the following strains, all of which I grow in the grow-op cellar of my mansion:


1) Violet Granddaddy Nepal Kush – A heady, voluptuous aroma of pine resin, wet asphalt, and skunk roadkill. This was the product of generations of a Habsburg-style breeding scheme to produce a perfectly pure lineage. An excellent treatment for the woes of your soul and a restless spirit. Deeply inebriating and inspirational of Goethian romantic fantasy. Pairs well with Tibetan folk music and lounging on your satin chaise.


2) Lemon Shortbread Velvet Haze – Sharp citrus notes are complemented with a voluminous note of burnt hair. Enlivening and encouraging of great social whimsy, this is the perfect strain for a cocktail party at that new-money fellow’s manor on the bay. Taste the candle-wax precipitate on your tongue as the vapour cools; truly indicative of a superior strain.


3) Gold Medal White Chocolate Widow Hybreed – Particularly potent, this hybrid strain also has a lovely pale colour that is accentuated by golden resin, making it an ideal dinner table centerpiece for your next charity fundraiser. It has a pungent aroma not unlike aged amontillado and is best enjoyed in a hand-carved meerschaum pipe while reading High Times in your office.


4) Sour Diesel Skunkfire Fruited x Silver Mist, 2016 Reserve – This strain possesses the distinctive terroir of the formerly clandestine farm in British Columbia from where it was imported. An aged cannabis has a distinctive perfume and mouthfeel, and should be saved for only the most important events, such as the christening of a new yacht or Coachella.


5) Desert Treasure Luxury Nugz – This extremely rare and valuable strain is the closest remaining strain to what was smoked by kings in the ganja-friendly kingdoms of old. The musty, roasted aroma is reminiscent of Vatican City’s holy incense, but… danker. Perfect for any religious function you may partake in, such as a B-52s concert.