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Campus Basement Home to Sinister Cult

The Toike Oike has discovered significant evidence of a cult operating covertly within the hallowed halls of the University of Toronto, known simply as “Engineering.” Members of the cult, called “engineers,” have all been indoctrinated to varying degrees of cultishness.

The most basic level involves working towards a ring signifying membership of the cult; a small scrap of iron that individuals have been convinced is worth spending tens of thousands of dollars to obtain. All of this is done in addition to devoting thousands of hours studying for and being tested on the precepts of the Engineering cult.

Additional practices include cladding oneself in expensive leather clothing emblazoned with the cult’s symbols.  As if that were not enough, some members voluntarily elect to have their leather jackets thrashed mercilessly upon the ground while being smothered in disgusting (former) edibles by other members of the cult who have already participated in the ritual known as “weaning.”  Cognitive dissonance among those involved allows them to ignore the fact that whomever started this practice could not possibly have had their own jacket weaned prior to partaking in the act.

“They also force some of their members to drink some strange liquid out of a hard hat,” said Emma Nartsi, a kinesiology student who happened to be walking through the Sandford Fleming atrium last Friday evening. “They all sing some strange chant while they do it, and I could have sworn I saw someone put cherry Kool-Aid in the hard hat before drinking it.”

The cult tends to recruit people young, often right out of high school, though there has also been significant activity among members even within secondary institutions themselves. The method of recruitment involves dying one’s body a bright purple in whole or part, which experts believe is the first step in the brainwashing process. Differently coloured hardhats that are awarded to members based on their status within the group further incentivize the cultists’ obsession with Engineering.

Engineers also make no secret of their long-term goals.  An oft-repeated incantation among members is “Engineers Rule The World,” signifying their designs for global takeover. They have already begun recruiting members from places as far as China, India, Turkey, and Latin America, among others. They even have their own newspaper that spreads their ideology through crude attempts at “satirizing” anything and everything, including, and especially, themselves.

Readers are advised to maintain constant vigilance and to report any suspicious activity to the beige receptacles conveniently located around the Sandford Fleming atrium.