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Cthulhu Concedes Defeat to Republican Candidate Trump

Major loss for anthropomorphic cephalopod deity

Long suffering from under-representation in federal government, the aspirations of Antediluvian Cosmic Beings (ACBs) everywhere were extinguished this past month with the swearing-in of Donald Trump as President of the United States. Although displeasure with the election results were reported to be uniformly high across the minority group, it has been said that ACB presidential nominee Cthulhu, Horror of the Depths, Herald of Doom, and High Priest of the Great Old Ones, PhD, has been surprisingly gracious in defeat.

Cthulhu, who at 1,563,327,003 years of age was the second oldest presidential candidate after fellow hopeful Bernie Sanders, was considered a long shot by many pundits, but was simultaneously a beacon of hope to many, aethereal and mortal alike.

Previously referred to by the now-politically incorrect term “Lovecraftian Monstrosities,” Antediluvian Cosmic Beings have always been a small but vocal minority in the United States. Earliest ACB records indicate that the first ACB colony was formed sometime in the 4,145,002,000s BCE when Yog-Sothoth, Lurker at the Threshold, Opener of the Way, Beyond-One, All-in-One, One-in-All, first arrived on the molten hill of magma that would eventually form the pre-Cambrian crust underneath the Florida area and decided that it would be a good place to raise a family.

In the hours following Trump’s inauguration, the charismatic blend of slimy appendages and terrifying nightmares gave a hopeful concession speech from his Non-Euclidean Palace of Madness in the Corpse-City of R’yleh (in Southeast Florida near Miami). “XYHvcGc*vcxtycgy’xccgyXyYy!” urged Cthulhu to raucous applause and enthusiastic slapping of suction-cupped tentacles from his followers, demonstrating once again how he won the hearts and minds of his target demographic. Some reports say that the humans in the audience immediately began bleeding vigorously from the ears, and many more winked out of regular spacetime due to the irregular geometry of the building. However Cthulhu’s spokesman C. Manson reminded all present that “the nature of politics is that not everyone is satisfied.”