TORONTO – Police were called late last night to the Bloor-Bathurst area, responding to multiple, largely incoherent calls about a crazed man wielding a sword in a department store. Upon arrival, first responders were met with the grisly scene of an elderly man slashing the dismembered remains of three bodies with a claymore greatsword while terrified witnesses took cover within nearby bargain bins.
The suspect offered surprisingly little resistance, but according to official reports refused to budge until officers agreed to purchase what appeared to be a limbless male torso.
“It’s such a deal! He’s already 80% off!” yelled the attacker at the police negotiators, further offering to throw in a female and child’s torsos as part of a wholesale deal.
Cursory investigation revealed the identity of the geriatric maniac to be Ed “Bad Boi” Lastman, 83, the owner and proprietor of the store in which the incident took place. Further investigation revealed the remains to be those of John Price, 44, his wife Jane, 43, and their son Bobby, 11.
“It was absolutely horrendous,” remarked ashe elderly bargain-hunter Eustace Levieux, “he kept repeating ‘I’m slashing the Prices folks!! I can hardly cut much more off!’ It was clear he was highly unstable.”
Responding to a wave of questions this morning, a police spokesman stated that Lastman’s attorneys would likely attempt to have him declared mentally unfit for trial.
“Security recordings clearly show him shouting ‘I’m crazy for cutting Prices this low!’ just as he hacks the legs off of all three members of the unfortunate family,” said the spokesman. “He was clearly anticipating this recording being seen in court as he faced the camera while delivering the punchline.”
Lastman’s first court appearance is scheduled for later this month. He was last reported attempting to sell his sword to his cell-mate, describing it as “only used once before.”