Hi friend! Growing up is tough: trust us, WE know! Arguably the most memorable part of your youth is losing your virginity. Ah, the embarrassing moment when you try to unhook her panty, or the awkwardness of putting the condoms on sideways… Oh, how folks like us long for the touch of another person! But, dear reader, fear not!  Listen closely as we advise you on how to lose the big V. Ready to lose our virginities together?

Step One: Acquire Mate

It’s a no-brainer! Choose someone who checks all the boxes: attractive, smart, funny, caring, etc. Or just someone with working genitals! Then, turn up the charm and bring ‘em back to your crib, A.K.A. Bonetown. If you aren’t a totally sexy swag-lord, try Big Johnny’s two-for-one deal at Midland and Ellesmere in Scarborough. He already has the lowest prices in the GTA, but every Wednesday, cash in on this killer deal!

Step Two: Affirm Consent

It is essential that you affirm consent before you initiate intercourse. Yell, “I’M READY,” imitating Spongebob Squarepants, and then remain silent until your partner does the same. This will save you countless dollars in lawsuits later!

Step Three: Get Nude

This is where the real fun starts. Begin by quickly undressing your partner, starting with their underwear and working your way outward. Then, focus on yourself. Slowly undress, teasing yourself. For an added rush (and a way to save cash on post-coital snacks) try edible underwear.

Step 4: Reaffirm Consent

It is essential that you affirm consent before you initiate intercourse.

Step 5: Make Sweet, Sweet Love

Put your genitals together so that you don’t know where one person ends and the others begin, while reaffirming consent every 13 seconds. Now, in terms of mechanics, this is where things kinda get fuzzy for us: we have no clue what happens during this step. One of us believes that, upon penetration, the new bi-genital complex emits a powerful electromagnetic blast with a wavelength that is inversely proportional to the pleasure experienced by those taking part. Under this theory, the perfect love-making session would emit a high-energy blast of gamma rays, completely disintegrating those within a one-kilometre radius. The other believes in another, less sophisticated theory: that, upon connection, those performing intercourse experience a James Cameron’s Avatar-like experience, where they become one for eternity. The major flaw with this being, well, relationships never last, right Megan?!

Step 6: Reaffirm Consent, Again

For the sake of both you and your partner, and with the aid of a registered notary, it is essential that you confirm consent after intercourse! Sure, notaries may be expensive, but it’ll save you lots in the long run. Pro tip: be just like all California porno-stars and do it in the presence of your notary, so that you can fill out all the necessary paperwork as soon as you’ve finished!