Yooooooo my fahmmms. Why is this italicized? Hold on.
There we go. Fixed that.
Anyways I want to talk with you today about those annoying zombies. Y’know, zombies. You probably have one in your life. Scratch that – you probably have SEVERAL. These zombies feed on content. And no, not juicy over-the-top satirical Toike Oike content like they probably should since that’d be actually GOOD for them. These zombies are slaves to Disney.
Ahhhhhh. You get it now. These zombies are people whose defining personality trait is their all-consuming obsession with Disney content.
Movies, music, merch. These people have seen, have, and done it all when it comes to their deity Disney. They’ve got fridge magnets of their family trip to Disneyland. Who even goes to Florida anyways? Against their will and better judgement probably.
Sure, I’ll admit, Disney movies are fun. I like to sit down and watch them occasionally. Especially with a bowl of cheetos. Uhhhh, I could go for some cheetos right now man. Shoot, this article is making me hungry. I’ma just fire off the rest of this in list form or something because I have the munchies so bad now ugrhrhghhhg.
Who even is Walt Disney and why are y’all so obsessed with him? Can you imagine being a grown adult and being able to quote verbatim an entire children’s movie? Yikes.
People who make Disney their entire personality also have a few other traits that I personally find unbearable. Like how they never shut up about their favourite character and how they’re going to dress up as them for halloween, or even just around the house when nobody else is there. Really, these people just haven’t discovered Studio Ghibli yet. They’ve got overactive imaginations, talking about who they ship who with and how they’re working on their fanfic magnum opus.
If you have had the pleasure of being around one of these crackheads when they meet another zombie then you know what it’s like to watch in disgust as two people instantly click. Yeah, I meant that. Brain-dead Disney-holics link up with other brain-dead Disney-holics immediately. They start talking like they’ve been friends for years and suddenly your roommate’s running off with some guy in a Walmart aisle while you hold all your groceries too stunned to say anything.
As they leap through the produce section singing that dumb love song from Frozen, you can’t help but think – filled with regret – of every time you agreed to edit her fan fiction or helped her colour-code the fan art that adorns the walls of her room. And now, they’ve eloped and asked you to move out. So here you are, back in your mom’s basement wondering where it all went wrong.
What were the warning signs? The compulsive sexualization of children’s cartoons? Their altar of the House of Mouse?
Disney literally owns everything, fools! Wake up, wake up, wake up! You are selling your soul to a corporation that is capitalism at its finest.
Update: Since writing this article Mary Jane has become a socialist.