TORONTO – The city’s commercial scene is abuzz this weekend as Torontonians eagerly await the grand opening of the first North American branch of revolutionary European retail chain Walmarx right in the downtown core.
“It’s just such a novel business model,” enthused self-described Tumblr-revolutionary Norman “El Che” McIntyre while sipping a $7 non-fat mocha frappuccino with cruelty-free soy milk, “traditional retailers just take your money and give you goods. Not at Walmarx. There you might get a different item, a portion of the requested item, or they might just take your money in exchange for nothing! It’s so cool and random.”
Although incredibly popular in a Nietzche market, Walmarx has not always been the success it now is. Originally founded in Germany, its home branch was eventually edged out of the market by competitor NSDAP and their charismatic CEO A. Schicklgruber.
Success only came to Walmarx much later through their Russian branch, which then established its own branches throughout Asia, Africa, South America, and Eastern Europe. Having faded from its mid-twentieth century zenith, Walmarx still dominates the market in China and the nuclear business style of Vice-President Kim of Walmarx-Korea regularly catches the attention of financial pundits.
While some consumers and analysts have grown suspicious of Walmarx’s big promises and questionable profit reporting, nearly all critics are reportedly placated by Walmarx’s public relations department, which promises an exotic vacation if evidence of dishonest practices are submitted to the company head office.
When attempting to discover where the prize-winning complainants are taken, The Toike Oike reporter sent to inquire apparently disappeared. An additional reporter searching for the first has subsequently also gone missing in Kuala Lumpur.