Toike Oike Logo

Extreme Life of a Freeloader: How to Survive off of Career Fair Giveaways

Honestly, at first I was surprised that anyone even had to cover this article, I mean, come the fuck on!

Then I went to YNCN’s Career Fair last month and holy frickin’ hell, n00bs, all I see are n00bs.

First of all, those pamphlets and brochures that get handed out throughout the career fair: don’t throw those out. Yeah, they may not have enough white space to be used as scrap paper, but just stop and think a second. Up here in Canada, it gets cold over the winter; yeah, maybe this past one was incredibly mild, but it still happens. And you know what paper is good for, right! Insulation! Winter jackets cost so much damn money, and that extra layer you buy to winterize your leather jacket does too. I say to hell with that. You were literally just handed free insulation! Throw on your jacket and tuck it all in that bitch. If you’re worried about all the paper falling out, just cut open the seam near the top of your jacket and jam it inside the lining. Boom. Winterized. Hell, you know what else paper does? It BURNS. If your heating bill is too high, just build a little fire pit in the middle of your house and light up the paper. You can even smoke the meat from that squirrel you shot earlier, effectively killing two birds and that same squirrel with one stone.

Free T-shirts are also absolutely awesome. An extra layer is always helpful, and hey, when you don’t want to wash your clothes, just grab enough of those freebies that you never have to! The longer you wear them, the filthier and more abhorrent they get. No longer will you be plagued by busy libraries or people joining you at your table in the Pit. You get your own space, and it’s beautiful. Also, ladies, let’s face it: sometimes you need anything you can get to keep those thirsty boys away.

That lanyard that you were given at the entrance, yeah, that one with the pass proving you belong there. Garbage? YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. That thing alone has almost an infinite number of uses. Don’t want to lose your keys? Loop it around your belt and attach your keys to them. Want to show off some style? Throw some pins on it. A bear attacks you? It’s a choke line. Sex life not interesting enough? See previous answer.

And oh God, don’t even get me started on the razors. You know, those Gillette Flexballs, with Pro-Glide technology. Mad good quality, bro. Use them yourself, sure, if you want to look like a princess. Beards are tough, they demand respect. Telling yourself nah ‘cause you’re a girl? Fuck gender norms. They try to give you that Venus shit, but just take the good one instead. Sell the razor, take the money. Better yet, take out the blades and use then to make a…

… I’m sorry I got a little off track there. I hope I didn’t offend nobody. So yeah, uses for things at the Career Fair. Well, I mean, I’m sure it says it all on the label. The razor is for shaving, and just pace yourself on eating those free food items. If you’re not hungry right now just go out into the yard and bury them for later like a squirrel.