Twenty year old Holly Crews was found passed out on a Pit bench last Saturday night. After being resuscitated and rushed to hospital, she was diagnosed with “Stage II Pitplaguitis” by medical officials.
Holly explained her feelings later in interview. “Oh boy, the last thing I remember is hanging out with my friends on a corner table in the Pit. Then, a sudden flash and I wake up on a stretcher. It turns out that I had no vitamin of any sort left in my body. Not even the useless vitamins like B12! So, they gave me bunch of food and made sure my face didn’t looked like I just dropped dead.”
The emergence of Pitplaguitis came as a surprise to many Sandford Fleming denizens, as the condition has not surfaced in several years. For those unfamiliar, here’s a brief explanation of its different stages:
Stage I: The patient has no will to leave the Sandford Fleming Atrium between classes as “all of [their] friends always hang out in the Pit.” This later evolves into a chronic syndrome, where the patient doesn’t want to leave the Pit at all. Ever. Eventually they will start using GB showers as a source of hygiene and purification.
Stage II: Systemic health issues start occurring in the body, usually followed by severe lack of vitamin D due to insufficient sunlight. Skin becomes pale and rashes may occur depending on the patient’s skin sensitivity.
Stage III: Any damage caused to the body will be irreversible in this stage of Pitplaguitis. Luckily, few Pit denizens are sedentary enough to be at risk of Stage III. Unless you plan to attend Godiva Week and TBog consecutively, you should be good.
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The Holly Crews incident was a trigger for the faculty to take action to address this silent threat. Once again, the Pit will have to undergo renovations, replacing the the brand new LED lights with UV lights in order to accommodate their students with a healthier environment.
“We’ve observed our students getting whiter and whiter every week as the semester progressed,” said Vice Dean of Skin Care Maya Reynolds. “If they’re not going outside to get some sunlight, we might as well bring the sunlight inside.”
This reporter was almost surprised to find out that the faculty was doing something just for the sake of helping out their students until Reynolds added, “This ingenious idea led by me and my team should also bump U of T’s academic rating by at least by 5%.” This reporter wonders if we can convince the faculty to put a pool table in the pit if they think it will make them compete against MIT.
This high-budget project, funded by InternationalTuition™, aims to help all students, especially during exam season. Students have responded positively so far.
“I haven’t had a tan since high school,” said a second year chemical engineering student. “Plus, this means we can start… gardening, in the Pit, if you know what I mean.“
There has been a handful of very vocal critics, however.
“Listen, UV light reveals a lot” said one critic. “I’ve seen some nasty shit go down in there, and you don’t want to see them too.”
