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FBI Orders Internet Users to Hand Over All the Pornography for “Uhh… An Investigation”


In what is being described as an “unexpected” application of the All Writs Act of 1789, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced on Tuesday the immediate seizure of all digital pornographic material in the United States.

Describing the initiative as a “critical national security matter” the official announcement from the FBI noted that “any American citizen in possession of pornographic images, videos, text, audio or other forms of media will be subject to this order.”

Shortly after the announcement was released, an FBI spokesperson was made available for comment. After glancing worriedly at his phone for two minutes, the visibly sweaty spokesperson gave the following statement to reporters: “Internet pornography is …umm… important for national security because it … it uhh … can sometimes be associated with illegal activities. Yeah.”

“We’re going to need to get our hands on all this pornography as soon as possible,” confirmed FBI Director James B. Comey, who was cornered by reporters as he attempted to get back to his car. “What do we need it for? Well, for …uhh… an investigation, obviously. That’s what we do here, we investigate things. It’s in our name, for fuck’s sake.”

Comey was further pressed for an explanation as to why the FBI wanted all of the internet porn in the entire United States. “There can be some pretty bad stuff in there, illegal stuff, you know?” Comey continued. “We’re going to go through all of it and get rid of the worst of it. Dispose of it real good so no one can look at it again. It’s a very serious job. National security and all that.”

Legal experts have been stunned by the Bureau’s unprecedented used of the All Writs Act to justify their pornography seizure, but some pundits agree with the move. “Studies have shown that 87% of individuals with connections to organized terror groups within the US have browsed a pornography site at least once in their lifetime,” claimed noted blogger DAMN_DIRTY_COMMIES on his twitter page. “If you don’t turn in your porn, you’re supporting TERRORISM.”  

The FBI has announced that all postal offices across the country will be setting up drop boxes where Americans can deposit USB sticks, SD Cards, and/or entire hard drives loaded with pornography. Floppy disks smaller than 3”, however, will not be accepted.

In unrelated news, an internal FBI memo leaked yesterday has revealed that internal network problems have been hampering download speeds across all Bureau offices for nearly a week. According to the memo, “it still remains unclear how long the slowdowns will last,” and that “employees should take whatever measures necessary to continue their normal work operations”.