An anonymous report from staff at the Toike Oike has recently revealed shocking and salacious texts exchanged between former US President Bill Clinton and 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “It was like finding out your grandparents figured out how to use a cellphone, and then sent nudes with it,” one horrified reporter whispered, slowly rocking back and forth. “It’s so much worse than seeing your parents having sex. So. Much. Worse.”
However, not everyone is as disgusted as they (quite frankly) should be. Blog posts have cropped up across the internet boasting titles like “Spice up your sex life with just these 5 Democratic tips!” and “How to sext like a President”.
Some excerpts of the conversations have been included below. The content contained in these texts may be unsuitable for all readers, and was probably intended for a mature (60+) audience.
Bill: hey babe, wanna talk about gun control laws tonite? i’ll let u use mine to demonstrate ;)
Hillary: I wish to have intercourse with you tonight.
B: what kind were u thinking? should we visit the Netherlands tonite? ;)
H: Fellatio is the next item on the agenda, I believe?
B: Oh baby ur raising my taxes
i wanna filibuster you all nite long ;)
H: Oral intercourse would be acceptable with a two-thirds majority.
B: i want u to open ur legs wider than the income gap for me ;)
H: Your motion for cunnilingus has been accepted. Shall we proceed to coitus?
B: u want me in ur cabinet? ;)
H: It should be possible to reach a bipartisan agreement, yes.
B: can i call u monica? ;)
H: I have always advocated for pro-choice policies.
B: i’m gonna stuff ur ballot box ;)
H: I greatly enjoy fornication with you.
B: i wanna do to ur body what mitt romney does to poor ppl ;)
H: Please continue penetrating my vagina with your penis.
B: baby let me be ur congressman so i can tell u what i want u to do with ur body ;)
H: I want you to ejaculate for me.
B: oh baby yeah let me cum for u ;)
H: Shall we schedule another session for next week? I can pencil you in between 3:30 and 3:35
B: sounds good ;)