Hello, dear reader! Are you, beloved reader, reading all of these articles and wondering, “hey, how did all of these [professional comedians]/[humourless imbeciles] write all of [these wonderful articles]/[this atrocious filth and still get funding for a newspaper]?” Wonder no more, cherished reader, because, precious reader, this is the definitive guide to writing Toike articles. Read on, delicious reader!
1. Question your life choices – Do you really want to do this? Do you really want to travel down this rabbit hole? Let’s be honest, you don’t really, but you think the newer Senior Staff Writer is kinda hot and everyone knows that the key to a man’s heart is comedy.
2. Get consent – Remember, the most important step of any process is consent. Receiving clear, coherent, and unambiguous consent can avoid many headaches for you and your readership upon publication of your article. Legal notarisation is preferable, if an option.
3. Choose a topic for your article – Some kind of big joke that you can elaborate on and that relates directly to the theme of that month’s Toike. For example, if the theme is “Toike for Dummies” you could write an article called, “How to Write a Toike Article, for Dummies.” But of course you wouldn’t actually write that article because here at the Toike we put all of our ideas on a Google Doc and claim them so people know who is writing what. And that wasn’t on the Doc. We hear that handsomer Senior Staff Writer haaaaates when people don’t claim things in the Ideas Doc.
4. Make numerous self-references and beat the dead horse of a joke (optional) – There is occasionally humour to be found in referencing the fact that this isn’t a serious news-source, or that nothing written here is true. Don’t overdo it though, as subtlety is key. A good reference might be to the fact that most Frosh will never have seen a Toike before, so half the articles in the September issue might be about how to create content for one. A bad reference might be that one of the co-authors of your article is desperately lonely and no matter how much drinking they do they can’t fill the void deep in the heart of their existence and so they wantonly lives vicariously through points 1.), 3.), and 5.) of your article, leaving their other co-author deeply disturbed by the content of what was otherwise a perfectly good article. That kind of reference would be too much.
5. Fill the rest of your article – Weave a word web. Take words, compose sentences. Arrange those sentences into paragraphs. Toss in a fake quote, iunno. We totally aren’t the Senior Staff Writers, we don’t have any advice on the topic. We’re especially not the handsome one. Or are we, and the last sentence was penned by the jealous and less handsome one? Y’know the one, with glasses so thick that every summer he needs new corneas? Anyway, we’re just two drones, and definitely not the Senior Staff Writers arguing within the body of an article.
6. Submit to the Editor and/or Senior Staff Writers – The Toike welcomes all sorts of content, so pass along whatever you have to firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll take a look at it! Or rather the Editor and Senior Staff Writers will. Because we are not they, and they are not we. We at the Toike are definitely not one, shared consciousness named “Simo Pajovic.”