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It Rains Because You Don’t Touch Yourself Enough

Toronto, ON — Expert scientists from the University of Toronto Department of Sciences have discovered that the reason why we experience rain is because people simply aren’t masturbating enough.

“Every now and then we go through a very wet period here in Toronto, but this could easily be solved if you just flicked the bean once or twice a day,” explained renowned science expert Jenn Atull. “Monsoon season in certain geographical areas correlates very strongly with decreased masturbation over that period of time.”

In a study of 15000 U of T undergraduates, one bored graduate student controlled the orgasms of the whole participant group through the use of remote-controlled bullet vibrators (RCBVs). Over a period of 72hrs non-stop, the technician activated the RCBVs and monitored incoming storms. 

“It’s amazing, really, our test subjects came non-stop for 72hrs without sleep,” revealed M.Sc. candidate Lou Bricante with a bubbly exuberance. “Besides that physiological discovery, we also noticed that all rain in the GTA cleared up within the hour and all incoming storms diverted around the city. Imagine what I could do if I hooked the whole city up to RCBVs.” 

This prompted Atull and Bricante to repeat the experiment over a period of agonisingly blissful months where test subjects would spend 72hrs exposed to the treatment, and 24hrs resting. Subjects wouldn’t even speak anymore, but the results were clear as Toronto experienced a three-month-long drought that killed most flora in the area.

Several days into the experiment, all test subjects were connected to an IV to receive nutrients and fluids after several began to experience severe dehydration. This allowed the researchers to extend their initial 2-week schedule to their dream length of 3 months without break to reach a more powerful conclusion. 

Atull concluded, “this proves that a collective jerking off could prevent future floods and hurricanes. An orgasm a day, keeps the monsoons away!”