A shocking investigation by the CRA last Tuesday found that several notorious JRPG bosses have been using their alternate forms to purchase investments and conduct shady financial maneuvers. Over 80 bosses have now been arrested and are awaiting further trial. Said Chief Investigator Steve Cloud, “These crooks have been using their more powerful forms for years as alternate identities to conduct their business here in Canada.”
One of the most grievous offenders was Lavos from Chrono Trigger, who reportedly laundered hundreds of thousands of Gold using this three forms (five if you count the left and right cores used by his final form). “Why do you think he crashed on Earth?” asked Cloud rhetorically. “Because he needed a place to hide out after violating the very same laws on his home planet.”
“A lot of people think ‘oh, that Ultimate Hyper Limit Break form is the last,’ but no, we’ve gone and found more powerful forms. Ultimate Super Hyper Limit Overbreak, Supreme King E.V.I.L. Evangel, Omega TwiLITE Devil Awakened… the list goes on. People should feel grateful they never had to battle these in the games.” commented Cloud.
Small-time offender DracoLord was able to get off lightly and was seen leaving the courthouse early last Thursday. “I only have two forms,” he explained, “the one you see before you and of course the dragon. I was lucky, I saw some of my buddies like Mortamor and Psaro the Manslayer doing this stuff. They said, ‘Hey, you’ll never get caught, how are they going to arrest us, we’re powerful demon lords,’ and so on. But we did get caught.”
Trials for the most severe cases of “shell form” use are set to take place next week. No word yet on how police plan to detain the defendants, though the Chief of Police has reached out to several JRPG heroes with the hope that they will cancel their hair appointments to help out.