We see its effects everywhere we look. The birds in the sky, the fish in the mighty Don river… Each one, their fitness maximised – the result of several millennia of natural selection.
But what if it isn’t? What if instead they were designed perfectly by a creator, who sculpted them from his life-giving fluids?
No, I’m not promoting intelligent design, but Hammerism – a form of arbitrary design, it is the belief that all life was accidentally created by Armie Hammer when he cried into a coffee mug while watching A Walk to Remember. Followers of Hammerism believe that Riz then combined the tears with the crumbs from a Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell and absentmindedly sneezed onto his masterpiece, breathing life into the first man – Guy Fieri.
As Adam had Eve, Guy Fieri too needed someone to prance nakedly with. So in Armie’s infinite wisdom, he created Bobby Flay when he mistakenly combined Anaheim chilies and botulinum toxin in a fajita, finishing it with a sprinkle of his own magic tears. Flay was designed as the anti-Fieri. All that Armie Hammer makes is perfectly balanced.
Hammerism is the only theory that clearly explains how Fieri has managed to maintain Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives for 26 seasons despite the presence of 7 different, quality Flay programs. Darwinian evolution predicts that the higher-quality Flay programming would drive Fieri’s shows to extinction. By the thirteenth tenet of social Hammerism, Armie’s Law of Memes, high quality memes can support a lower quality show so long as the show does not directly address the meme. The maximum number of possible memes for a show under social Hammerism is equal to the meme-carrying capacity multiplied by the number of show hosts.
Despite the damning Law of Memes, many still hold on to Darwinian Evolution, however, the theory simply has no hope in the face of Armie’s Floofiness Postulate. Developed to complete Allen’s rule relating surface area to volume in animals, the Floofiness Postulate suggests that as the surface-area-to-volume ratio drops, the floofiness increases. This is due to Hammer’s Law of Conservation of Floof which states that the universe tends towards floof, and that floof cannot be destroyed.
This conclusion will surely cause a stir in our scientific community.