In an unprecedented discovery, a scientist on the outskirts of a local village known only as Dr. Darkenblatt has managed to create a cow-boy: a half-cow, half-boy boy. The cow-boy formerly known as Darren has the lower body of a cow and the torso of a boy, sewn together with expertise one would only expect from a master seamstress, let alone a scientist. The 24/7 access to milk is perfect for the cow-boy’s boy half since a growing boy needs calcium to build strong bones.
Naturally, the scientific community and villagers alike are thrilled about Dr. Darkenblatt’s incredible work. “I’ve s-seen things,” studdered a villager trembling with udder excitement. “H-he… H-h-he let me into his lab, and… Oh God, I keep seeing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over in my head,” he added, referring to the splendid sight of Dr. Darkenblatt’s laboratory. When introduced to the cow-boy, the village priest simply shouted “the power of Christ compels you” while holding up a wooden cross he had on hand. Of course he was praising Dr. Darkenblatt for doing God’s work, as the power of Christ did indeed compel him to do so.
The Toike Oike went on a special press tour of the laboratory after the cow-boy’s creation was officially announced. The laboratory was remarkably humble, with its stone walls and moist aroma harking back to an era of science far less harsh than present day. Whereas other research institutes are profligate in their spending on scientific instruments peppered with all kinds of extravagant extras, Dr. Darkenblatt sticks to the basics, using tools common people can pronounce like scalpels, razor blades, drills, and saws. Watching him talk about his work while giggling to himself nonstop, it was clear that Dr. Darkenblatt loves his work above all else.
One of the press loved the laboratory so much that she decided to stay behind and, evidently, pursue graduate studies with Dr. Darkenblatt as her supervisor. In a letter handwritten in classy red ink delivered to her co-workers just last week, she claimed that she “had been in experiments” and “needs help,” without a doubt describing the difficulty of performing experiments as a PhD candidate.
This journalist, for one, believes that Dr. Darkenblatt should be nominated for the Nobel Prize. Even the cow-boy himself agrees that “Dogktggglglgglglgr *cough* Duurrrkenblaglgtttt isszzs *gurgle* *strained moo* szsssickkkgggg”—sick at doing good science, obviously! We wish him all the best as he applies for tenure and hope to know him as Professor Darkenblatt in a few months’ time, if not sooner.