Microsoft stunned investors this week with the announcement of Microsoft Pain, a new app for PCs designed to satisfy the depraved cravings of masochists everywhere.
“This app is revolutionary,” said lead developer Dom Inato. “Auditory, visual, physical, psychological. There’s not a single type of torture we haven’t packed in here. And we’ve worked closely with former FBI and CIA agents to ensure that you, as a user, get an authentic torture experience without all the hassle of a dusty basement in Central America.”
The app totes a plethora of features, all taking full advantage of computer hardware to maximize suffering. The app’s soundtrack features two songs: “Friday” by Rebecca Black and an extremely loud, high-pitched synthesised screeching. Additional tracks such as the sound of nails against a chalkboard and a fork scratching on a ceramic plate can be purchased via US$2.99 microtransactions.
Microsoft Pain comes packed in with The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and runs anywhere between 10 and 20 copies of it in the background at once with maximum graphics settings and dozens of meme-related mods. Launching the software will also run Google Chrome with several hundred tabs streaming random Jake Paul videos in 1080p. These two features are intended to make the computer overheat so much that it burns the user, providing them with the physical torture they desire.
The software automatically connects to Facebook and constantly flashes embarrassing images from the user’s timeline mixed in with random colours. Users can opt to include pornographic images in the flashing sequence if their masochism is sexual in nature.
These features and more will be included in the launch version of Microsoft Pain, which only runs on Windows 8, further increasing the user’s suffering. As far as next developments go, a recent leak showed progress on a feature which would transform the user’s laptop PC into a combined waterboard and electrocution device. Microsoft is said to be collaborating with Acer on this functionality.