Hello friends and welcome to another list where we rank the objective sexiness of popular candies and other foods. As you know, last month, we determined that Almond Joy is the sexiest coconut-based candy bar on the market, narrowly beating out Bounty. This month, we’re going to rank the 6 M&M spokes-candies based on their objective fuckability. Let’s get started!
The Orange M&M is objectively the least fuckable. As the mascot for pretzel M&Ms, this little shit is rightly neurotic, and I’m just not into that. Plus, the guy already has a pretzel literally inside him. Which begs the question, how much room is left, how should I put this… inside him? Besides, orange is just objectively an unsexy colour. Basketballs are orange. Have you ever wanted to fuck a basketball? Didn’t think so.
Alright, here’s the first twist of this list. I really struggled to place the OGs on this list. They’re both old as shit, which I’m personally not into, and they’re out here repping the most basic M&Ms ever produced. Yellow gets points for his length and girth but I have to put him below Red for reasons that will become apparent shortly.
Alright, I was really close to putting Red at the very bottom of this list. He’s short, not particularly thicc and he’s the mascot for plain M&Ms. He’s boring and boring is definitely NOT sexy. But Red has one thing going for him that none of the others have. When Red wished to become inedible in one commercial, he turned into the one and only Danny DeVito. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who are sexually attracted to Danny DeVito and people who are lying to themselves. I am a proud member of the former group. (Danny, if you’re reading this, my number is 420.666.6969)
#3) Ms. Brown
We’ve reached the Top 3 and things are getting harder (hehe). Slotting in at #3 is the sexy librarian of the spokes-candies, Ms. Brown. This hot chocolate was thought to be naked when she was first introduced. She’s also voiced by a former Miss America winner and is the mascot for dark chocolate M&Ms, the sexiest chocolate (I will fight you on this). All in all, the fantasies write themselves for this one, making Ms. Brown a no-brainer for our Top 3.
Similar to Yellow, Blue gets points for having length and girth. But he finishes so high up on this list for two reasons. First, he’s just way cooler. The Blue shell adds another layer of sexiness that Yellow just doesn’t have. And honestly, it shows when you hear either of them talk. Second, Blue is the mascot for Almond M&Ms. Now, you may be thinking “Mark, why are almonds so much sexier than peanuts?” Well, dear reader, the simple answer to that question is the ridging of the almond. Simply put, Blue is ribbed for our pleasure, which is why he is our runner-up.
#1) Ms. Green
Was there ever any doubt as to who would get the top spot? It had to be the original female M&M. The original candy sex symbol. The peanut-butter M&M mascot herself. Ms. Green was created because people thought that green M&Ms were aphrodisiacs. Since her creation, Ms. Green has frequently been pictured shell-less and has starred in millions of the hypoglycemia- and sugar-high-induced fantasies of candy-fuckers across the globe. And it’s not hard (well, IT is hard, but you know what I mean) to see why. With her luscious lips, sexy boots and tasty filling, who wouldn’t want to get some of Ms. Green.
There you have it, folks. A definitive ranking of the six M&M mascots based on their objective sex appeal. If you take issue with these rankings or the concept of ranking candy by sexiness (or if you know how to contact Danny DeVito), please contact Parker Johnston at firstname.lastname@example.org.