Are you new to Toronto and looking for some help sorting stuff out? Me too! And you’ve definitely come to the wrong place. Join me on a journey of discovery with these seven untested tips and tricks for when you come to Toronto. My first tip to you: don’t come to Toronto.
A lot of us who aren’t used to the winter life here in Toronto are looking for some options for winter coats, but let’s be real, we’re UofT students, so we’re broke. Don’t worry though, there are a lot of affordable options for warm clothes in the winter, and it shouldn’t surprise you that one of them is free. So the second tip of the day is: if you think you need a winter jacket, you probably don’t, at least according to our Editor-in-Chief Leigh. She says “Toikes are a tried-and-true replacement for a winter coat” so grab the nearest stash of Toikes around you and cover yourself with as many as you can get your hands on!
Canada is rainy, eh? But we gotta save some money here and there, even if it’s just a couple of bucks spent on an umbrella. Besides, I tried to buy an umbrella earlier and I realized I spent the last of my cash on those beers yesterday. Besides, I’ll have you know I lived in a desert country my whole life and I never needed an umbrella then. But apparently Canada has rain and you need umbrellas for rain. Here’s my solution to the conundrum – us engineering students spent well over $300 on books we never have used and never will use, so tip number three is: Put your money to good use by utilizing your textbooks to shield your head from rain on the wettest of days! It’s guaranteed to leave you dry and knowledgeable. I love osmosis!
Personally, I haven’t seen this myself, but I was told that during the cold winter times something called “black ice” forms on the streets. According to my trustworthy girlfriend Google, it’s ice on the street. Wow, her massive repository of information is so attractive. Equipped with this new knowledge, I figured that black ice is just the best thing ever, bringing me to tip number four. Penguins the smartest animals, so why not take a page from their book and use that black ice to slide on our bellies all around campus? Some of us live all the way in Chestnut, and we have to be on time for class now don’t we?
Speaking of Chestnut, living in downtown Toronto is great! Everything is a sweet short walk away from Chestnut (except, like, all the engineering buildings…). I love walking at night and meeting the most fascinating people walking all around the streets! My roommate and I met a guy who didn’t stop making chicken noises at us. He also wasn’t wearing any clothes… Weird. What can I say, though. People here are so creative. Another one of these times, this 150-year-old granny was dressed in a Lady Gaga outfit and chanting the national anthem of Russia. So creative, right? So tip number five is: take a minute in your day to appreciate the people around you in Toronto. If you can spare the time, stick around to have a chat with them, unless we’re talking about the naked chicken guy. He wasn’t particularly friendly. My point here is that it’s important to show people you care.
People always tell me that the winter in Toronto is brutal, I got a small taste of that during the F!rosh Week retreat. You know what else I got a taste of on the F!rosh retreat? Too much Yerba Mate (shout out to 2TMate!). Here’s the thing, despite it foul taste, I think that Yerba Mate could be very useful in this brutal Toronto winter. We all need something a little extra to keep us going in the winter, but most people aren’t taking the right energy juice. Tea? Nah. Two shots of espresso? Nah. A death wish of steaming red eye coffee? Don’t even bother. Hotel? Trivago. Here’s what I recommend to you with tip number six: boil yourself a can of Yerba Mate and down that shit. It’s guaranteed to get you hyped up, jumpy, and ready for all the lectures you can imagine.
Here’s a tip for all the EngScis out there. You’re all familiar with the prompts that high school teachers used to give you an example of whatever you were learning that day. For example, they’d start with “if someone were to give you the number five…” and then go on for ages about fives or whatever. I always thought that was ridiculous until I started UofT engineering but now I’m actually scared of these prompts. Why? Good question. One of my professors keeps using prompts to warn me about an enemy that “imposes upon you values of Epsilon” and I ain’t about that life, you know? This enemy has been keeping me up all night, because he can jump out of nowhere and I’ll have you know I’m not ready for such a surprise and neither are you. So, tip number seven: if you see the enemy, and he has imposed upon you values of Epsilon, run away! Or shield yourself with some Toikes. Toikes have been and always will be protectors from enemies imposing values upon you. Either way, stay safe.
There you go, seven tips for surviving life in the new city. Life in Toronto can be scary, but with the right guidance and an intuitive aversion to danger, you’re guaranteed to survive your time here in Toronto. Trust me, I wrote these tips in my first 10 days in this city so I know what I’m talking about.