BREAKING – A new medical report by high fantasy anatomy expert Doctor Dean Winchester has definitively disproved a long-held misconception about ogres. This first-of-its-kind autopsy report for an ogre was published in the American Medical Journal late in February and quickly went viral.
“First and foremost, I want to convey my deepest condolences to the family of the departed,” said Doc Dean, his nickname in the medical world. “Due to the unfamiliar physiology of Mr. Reskh, we were unfortunately unable to determine a definitive cause of death, and for that, I am truly sorry. However, it seems likely that his 2008 association with an individual known only as the ’Love Guru’ likely initiated a series of events that resulted in his ultimate demise.”
“While the autopsy was not as fruitful as we had hoped, I can definitively say that, unlike onions, ogres do NOT have layers. It is unclear whether this misconception initially posited that ogres were similar to Russian nesting dolls or if they simply had many layers of skin, though I can assure the public that ogre anatomy is not so dissimilar to our own. They have a layer of leathery green skin approximately 2 inches thick, a heart located exactly in the centre of the body, skinny ear holes that protrude from the side of the head, 2 stomachs, approximately 60 feet of bowel, and a penis with the proportionate length of that of a horse but the thickness of a standard No. 2 pencil. We assume that female ogres have a vagina of some sort instead of a penis but we really have no way of knowing at this point in time.”
Though pictures taken throughout the autopsy were published along with the report, many vocal members of the public took to various social media outlets to voice their opposition to the report and its controversial findings.
Twitter user @princessfionawannabe69 wrote “This report lost all credibility when they said my man had a skinny d**k. #love #life #hungAF”
Another Twitter user, @unholyproductoftheunionbetweendragonanddonkey, received thousands of Retweets and millions of Likes for this Tweet: ”I dont cre wut dis bich say. ONIONS HAV LAYERS! OGRES HAV LYERS! #OGRESRLIKEONIONS #BOYCOTTAMJ”