Brothers and Sisters of the Toike! These are dark times for our newspaper! Look at these vile pages and realise the filth that abounds! Fornication and indulgentment. Impiety and malfeasance. Dildos and puns. These spawns of Satan have been packaged, oozingly, into this abomination called SexToike.

Turn your gaze away from the lascivious hedonism that infects these decadent pages and listen to the truth! Yes the truth, I say, is that this once righteous paper has become contaminated by moral degradation. The Toike has descended into depravity and pornography, featuring such stains on the spirit as the sight of bare forearms and unchaperoned single women. Even, dare I say it, the implication of physical intimacy. The horror. The horror.

Yet fear not, dear readers, for all is not lost! The forces of purity and goodness have not only one, but five holy champions! Shining, unblemished, above the fetid swamps of lechery stand five knights, five guardians, five everwary, watchful protectors: Our Illustrious Lords and Saviours, the Effervescent, the Undying, the All-Seeing Engineering Society Officers (praise be upon them).

Lesser, foolish minds may call it “censorship”, but it is only through their infinite grace that your degeneracy is cleansed and your soul is absolved! Even the indecencies that permeates these papers are held at bay by their wisdom and foresight.

Know, oh devout reader, that it is they who save your virginal eyes (and other organs) from debauchery such as political things, bathroom things, and spooky things. Most of all, you have been protected from the supreme corruption of the wanton image of obscene human flesh. Indeed, it was only his eternal magnificence that guarded your innocent gaze this month from beholding the most evil sight of all in the Toike: the human mammary gland. The shuddering orbs, the fleshy sacks, the vulgar bags of sand.

Such salacious spheres shall never defile your sight while they remain vigilant.

So worry not, oh hallowed Toiker, your perfectly preserved chastity is safe. In the hands of our sublime guides, you are certain to never have to concern yourself with the crude carnality of the adulterated human body. Through their sanctified leadership, lustful lewdity shall be consigned to the darkness. Our Glorious EngSoc Officers will truly Make the Toike Great Again.