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Overly Optimistic Man Buys Condoms

It all started when a young gentleman named Jack Swoir approached the Toike in order to publicize his story of celibacy earlier this month. To celebrate the end of exams, he started going out to the pubs and getting smashed almost every night. Having been surrounded by dozens of people of the female variety, he decided that maybe, this past summer was the time that he would finally get laid. One night, he decided go to Rexall right next to his place to buy condoms for that one special lady.

When he reached the “Fam Planning” aisle, there was a problem awaiting him. There was an employee working in that aisle. Being as shy as a third grader asking a girl out, he felt the need to stay tactical. He started wandering around in the gift card section as if he was looking for a happy anniversary card to his imaginary girlfriend while checking if the lady was still there. He got a mirror, angled it 45 degrees behind the aisle to check once again if it was empty. Once the aisle was all clear, he walked there on his toes, only to find out that condoms weren’t sold one by one. However, this didn’t stop him. He grabbed the first box of condoms that he found and hid it under his raincoat. Jack, being confident about his size, did not put the Magnum XL back on the shelf. Little did he know that condoms weren’t supposed sit on your skin like a garbage bag.

While going downstairs, he realized that he’d look like a pervert if he walked there just to buy condoms. He grabbed a few party size chips with dipping sauce and hid the box of condoms around the bags of chips. Now he looked like he was having a sex party, but managed to run to the self-checkout booth before anyone else noticed.

This was just the beginning, but a lot has changed in his life over the course of the summer. Let’s hear it from Mr. Swoir himself:

“I thought this summer was the time I was finally going to get real familiar with a girl, if you know what I mean. I couldn’t have been more wrong. When I got employed at Home Depot last June, I stopped seeing girls. I haven’t touched or seen a woman in over a month. However, I like seeing the glass half full. This has improved my seventh sense immensely. Now, I can sense the girls in my vicinity from miles away. I know they’re coming to Home Depot before even they know they’re coming. Here, I’ve been giving lumber to people all month long, but I haven’t had the chance to give any lumber to any women, literally or figuratively.”

One of Jack’s biggest fears is that he won’t be able to use his condoms before their best before. However, he seems to have a solution for that. He goes to the park during his lunch breaks and blows them up to make balloons for kids. Regardless of the fact that 4 parents have complained, he says his activity was a “huge success” since only two of the sessions ended with arrests.

Jack is hoping to publicize his story with the Toike and have some “pity sex” in the foreseeable future. More on the story as he gets laid.