Toike Oike Logo

PETA Goes Anti-Witchcraft

The animal rights group PETA has set its sights on what they feel should be the next forefront of animal rights: witchcraft, wizardry, and similar forms of magicks.

The group known for bringing up stuff the rest of us prefer not to think about, like factory farming and animal testing, has turned their focus to animal abuse in paranormal realms.

“In the age of social media and intense academic pressure, we are worried that some witchery that promises good grades, likes on Instagram, and right swipes will go viral,” said June Wickengenst, a spokesperson for PETA, “so we want to get ahead of the next trend and remind everyone that there are non-animal alternatives for everything, including witchcraft!”

In a blog post, the group wrote about the many ways spells can avoid animal abuse, writing:

“There are many non-animal alternatives that can be easily substituted when performing a spell or incantation. You don’t have to blind a newt for your love potion–try googly eyes in place of eye of newt! They’re so fun! Or toss in a copy (or two) of the 1982 smash hit ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor! It’s a banger!”

Continuing with their non-animal suggestions, they wrote in another post:

“If you need to use the head of an animal for a ritual, why not try a head of lettuce? Easy to find at your local farmers’ market, and if you bring some dressing, it’ll make a great snack afterwards!”

When directed towards cults and asked about brainwashing, human rights violations, and the general terror such organizations inflict on their acolytes, PETA drew a parallel to factory farming and animal abuse that was really long and boring, so we didn’t bother to report it.