WASHINGTON, D.C. – It was a stranger-than-usual morning in Washington last Monday, as President Trump issued his 36,284,279th Executive Order mandating “the immediate and total liquidation of the Iced Capps by all means available to the United States.”
The order was quickly met by an enthusiastic response from the coal and natural gas industries, which raised output levels by over 600% in an effort to comply with the President’s highly unorthodox change.
“Heck, I know we been sayin’ there ain’t no such thing as global warming on God’s green Earth,” admitted Texan oil baron William Robert E. “Build-A-Wall” Lee, “but now that I’ve received a command from my heavenly-ordained President so, with Jesus as my witness, I’m gonna do all in my power to see those damned Iced Capps go.”
After careful scrutiny of the order by hordes of highly concerned lawyers, it soon became apparent that there was more than a little ambiguity in its wording.
“The fact that the President used the term ‘Iced Capps’ instead of the more common ‘ice caps’ is what tipped me off,” reported legal expert O. J. Simpson, J.D., “it occurred to me that perhaps the President wasn’t referring to what everyone thought he was.”
Simpson was quickly vindicated, as the President soon clarified by tweet that the order wasn’t referring to the globe’s polar regions, but to the popular beverage offered by Canadian coffee chain Tim Hortons. It was also revealed that the strange mandate was in reaction to the recent visit of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to the White House.
“I was tremendously offended by the testosterone-fueled hyper-masculinity exhibited by Pres. Joe Trudeau during his visit in February. Sad!” tweeted @realDonaldTrump. This was quickly followed up with another tweet, explaining that, “The gorgeous, charismatic Canadian demi-God awoke a feeling deep within me that frankly I can’t explain, and makes me deeply uncomfortable.”
Economists are now identifying the liquidation order as the first step in a trade war with Canada, with psychologists generally agreeing that this is a bid by the President to re-assert his own masculinity and confirm his heterosexual self-image.