Alright, ‘tis the season and all that fucking bullshit so I think now’s as good a time as any to make this Public Service Announcement, so here goes. This Holiday Season, a lot of you little shits are probably gonna be constructing your own snowmen and snowwomen and you probably have a particular snowman in mind that you want to replicate. A snowman you’ve fantasized about through all those overly warm, snow-less months. Well, guess what? You’re going to FAIL. That’s an inevitability. What I want you to know is that IT’S NOT COOL TO BODY-SHAME YOUR SNOWPEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY DON’T CONFORM TO YOUR NARROW-MINDED, SUPERFICIAL IDEA OF SNOW-PERFECTION!
Now, you might be thinking that YOU would NEVER be so shallow as to knock over a snowperson you made just because they don’t look like the scarfed, top-hat wearing, m’lady saying, crack-smoking SIMPSICLE you’ve dreamt of. Well I don’t give a flying fuck whether you think you contribute to the culture that makes snowpeople who aren’t three perfect spheres of firm but slightly sticky snow stacked in order of descending size with stick-thin arms and perfectly shaped button noses long to become a puddle in your backyard. The reality is that, if you aren’t actively speaking out against these impossible to attain beauty standards, you’re effectively supporting them.
Now don’t think that I don’t know that we’ve made real progress in the past few decades. I do. One of the most important developments of the snowperson body positivity movement was when that perfectly spherical, fossil fuel endorsing pedophile Frosty was discarded as the ideal snow-form. 20 years ago, a snowman like Olaf wouldn’t have been able to break into the movie game, let alone develop the cult-like following he’s amassed. But, save a few unexpected curves and an irregularly shaped carrot nose, Olaf is not all that far from the ideal snowman image that’s been peddled for years.
So, this Holiday Season, make your snowpeople. I mean, if you can. Who knows how many more years of snow we’ll have with the way the world is going. But, if – let’s be honest, when – it turns out far different from the image you constructed, don’t get mad at the snowperson and knock it down. Accept them for what they are.
REAL SNOWPEOPLE HAVE IMPERFECT CURVES!