RANDOM PARQUETTE, TORONTO – “Who?” asked a perplexed Sarah Carter, mother of Tim Hutchins-Carter. “I don’t have a son.”
Reports – or perhaps the lack thereof – out of the local gazette indicate Tim Hutchins-Carter, a local stoner, phased out of both spacetime and known history upon consuming nine grams of potent marijuana in the form of blondies.
“Huh? Sorry, man, didn’t know him,” stated his husband Colin Belisle-Deveaux after being shown his spouse’s driver’s license. The government-issued card rapidly disintegrated in this writer’s hand, reducing Tim Hutchins-Carter’s last known photograph into a small pile of ashes on Colin Belisle-Deveaux’s doorstep.
Careful analysis of the marijuana-laden blondies found in
Tim Hutchins-Carter’s room an unknown place revealed he had consumed a strain of marijuana called “Jesus’ Abrasive Cobalt Strap-On.” According to cannabis distributor Twad’s VP of Public Relations, Mo Khan, Jesus’s Abrasive Cobalt Strap-On is an “extremely high-THC, high-CBD strain that is not fit for human consumption in amounts greater than 500mg. Last guy who consumed over five grams was Seth Rogen, so… yeah.”
At the time of writing, Tim – wait, shit. What? Why was I writing this article. Tim… Who? Why do I have all of these blondies?