It’s remarkable, really, what a little sleep can do for brain power. At least, that’s what Balzac resident Jack Winkle has claimed since coming out of his coma last Friday evening.

Winkle was discovered in the local Picture Butte cinema in December of 1990, and is thought to have been turned comatose from exposure to Edward Scissorhands. Attempts by doctors to revive Winkle were abandoned after relatives claimed that he was “a huge fan” of the film.

Since 1990, Winkle has become little more than a permanent fixture at the Lac la Bi(t)che Generic Hospital. No one expected Winkle to wake from his slumber, so waking up from his clinically “Depp Coma” has had absolutely no impact on anything.

Winkle, however, begs to differ. Over the weekend, he “surfed the World Wide Web” and decided to post a listicle of what he’s accomplished in his coma. Within hours, Winkle had become a self-proclaimed “cyberspace phenomenon”. His listicle, titled “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in a Coma” brings up points such as “a coma is the perfect way to avoid awkward interactions with your coworkers” and “you can pretend you live in the future and forget that 25 years of your life have been completely wasted”.

Not everyone has been inspired by Winkle’s new philosophy, however. “He was better company when he was comatose, honestly” claims one nurse who occasionally checked if he was still alive. “His ideas were so much more engaging when he kept them to himself”.

Regardless of the controversy, Winkle is planning on publishing his listicle as a full-length self-help book, with a release date of “I don’t know, probably soon, maybe after my next coma.”