An increasing uproar from one of our most beloved heroes, The Foot, has caused people around the globe to perk up their ears. According to The Foot, who has told us that we can call them simply Foot, fame has brought more than positives. Foot claims that an increasing population has decided to express their desires, and Foot is (pardon my French) pissed the fuck off.
We conducted an interview with Foot to get details of their first-hand experiences that have made them feel uncomfortable. What we learned was nothing short of disturbing. “Some of these assholes think that just because I’m a superhero and am here to protect all of humanity, that I somehow owe them something,” explains Foot. “You wouldn’t believe some of the shit I’ve heard over the years, but especially in the last few weeks. ‘Just let me suck them a little, Foot’, or ‘What do you mean I need consent to floss my teeth with the hairs, Foot?!’ WHO DO THESE FUCKS THINK THEY ARE?! Sure, I’m of service to the people, and I’m cool if people want to crack one off to my publicity posters, but I have to draw the line somewhere! I’ve had enough of your shit, weirdos.”
We were shocked to hear how Foot was being treated and decided to take to the streets and hear from some of the people who want to get funky with Foot. Some conversations we had were frankly shocking, but they all gave us an inside look into the minds of the “weirdos.” “Foot’s toenails are an embodiment of their strength and resilience. Not a single crack or chip in those babies,” said Frank, a local kindergarten teacher. “Seriously though, Foot could stand on my back to give me a sensual massage any day of the week!” exclaimed Lisa, mother of three.
The sudden burst in enthusiasm towards The Foot remains a mystery, but scientists confirm that all offenders share the characteristic of being “fucking weird.”