Local tissue box speaks about horrors of living with a horny teenager

In a press release last Friday, local tissue box Scott Kleenex opened up about his horrific experiences serving in a horny teenager’s room.

“I was assigned to his room when he was 18 and just starting engineering school,” began Scott. “I was stationed in one of the worst places on Earth: his computer desk.

“At first it didn’t seem so bad, and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Just your average sneezing, runny nose, the occasional tears. But a few hours later, I understood why I was warned. Where all the scary stories came from.

“He started…loading and firing his cannon.” Scott held back tears, reaching for his tissues. But alas, they were all gone. The crowd soon found out where they all went.

“It was one thing to be directly facing him while he, umm, did the five knuckle shuffle. That was already enough to give me nightmares. But to see it over and over again, dozens of times per day… It did a number on me. Even when I thought he would take a break to study—he was an engineering student, for Christ’s sake!—he would take one look at his problem set and just give up. And go back to choking the chicken.

And then there was the porn. In the few weeks that I served him, I saw with my very own two eyes a downward spiral of depravity the likes of which I had never seen before. He went from eyesex, to butthole worship, to crudely drawn Sonic the Hedgehog porn that could only have come from borderline illegal parts of DeviantArt.”

After telling his story, Scott promoted his upcoming book, The Tissue Who Cried. Though he is all out of tissues, Scott says he now finds meaning in his life by advocating for workers’ rights for tissue boxes across Canada and sharing his story.